Cliché and curiosity-quenching prose are the twin enemies of the writer of good dialog. And first drafts are often filled with both.
Cliché is the Enemy
Because we are saturated with story, conversation, prose, poetry, and music lyrics, etc., our attempts at writing (at least in the first draft) are prone to include dull, conventional, and cliched words and phrases.
It’s not until someone stands out from the crowd that we notice the extent to which we have been sleep-walking through the culture we consume.
Take music for example. So many contemporary songs sound the same, using hackneyed sounds and rhythms and lyrics and chord progressions. It isn’t until someone like Ed Sheeran turns up and shows us something new and original that we realize just what a homogenous soup, the majority of modern music is.
The reason for this is something I have talked about before. The sheer breadth of our exposure to human speech (in dialog, film, television, song, poetry, lyrics, books, etc.) results in our first thoughts tending towards the conventional. Our first thoughts tend to reproduce the things we have seen before. Want a couple to meet for the first time? We might set the scene in a bar (because that’s where we’ve seen a thousand such scenes set). It’s the first thought we have. But if we stop and think about it for a moment, we could set that meeting somewhere far less clichéd; in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, a community center, a parent-teacher conference, a bookshop, or an airplane for example. Any of these would be a more interesting setting than a bar.
So it is with speech. We tend to choose familiar phrases like “at the end of the day”, “the bottom line”, “out of the frying pan” and so many others. Where we do so, we’ve rendered our writing more inclined to put our audience to sleep than hold their attention. The mind of the average audience member tends flow over familiar phrases without ever really paying attention to them.
Therefore, one of the writer’s first tasks is to eliminate cliché by digging a little deeper in search of original ways to express themselves; original words and phrases that raise questions for the reader.
Raising Questions
Curiosity is the writer’s best friend. We maintain reader interest through an exercise in successive set-up and payoff, raising questions (even at the level of sentence structure) to keep the audience engaged and eager to find out what will happen next.
What follows are some thoughts and tips on crafting dialog to maintain interest and avoid cliché.
Three levels of Dialog
Dialog represents three areas of personality coming out into the open – expressing the surface (literal) meaning of words, expressing an unspoken intention or the (intended) meaning behind the words, and expressing what the character cannot say (even to themselves); the unspoken (unintended) meaning of the words.
Context provides the keys to understanding the subtext or meaning behind a line and we increase the density of our dialog (a very good thing) where we find ways to layer in multiple levels of meaning.
Take the following exchange…
JENNY: “You didn’t stack the dishwasher? Again?”
JOHN: “So?”
SOUND: Plates fall with a crash.
SOUND: FOOTSTEPS (HIGH HEELS) RUSH TO THE DOOR. DOOR SLAMS.
JENNY: (DISTANT, MUFFLED, SOBBING)
Jenny’s line indicates, at the literal level, that the dishwasher hasn’t been stacked, but also communicates her meaning that John should be helping out but is, instead, taking her for granted. Unspoken (even to herself) is another level of meaning – “You don’t love me!” – one that John’s heartless “so?” brings to the surface.
Three Types of Sentence and their Impact
Dialog is either front-loaded with meaning and elaborated upon, or backloaded with meaning, creating suspenseful sentences, or loaded with meaning at a middle point (doing a little of both).
JASPER: Dorothy sounded sour. Sour and angry and a little self-pitying.
Here we are given the meaning upfront and then that meaning is elaborated upon. As a structure, if the opening idea of the sentence is sufficiently startling (a “hook”) then the audience is carried along by the elaboration and expansion upon that idea. Sour is a great “impact” word. It’s close enough to bitter, but not as familiar and overused.
WENDY: Like venom. Like the poison from a snakebite, making its way through a wound. Subtle at first, but slowly paralyzing its victim as it makes its way to the heart. Always fatal. That’s what a conversation with Dorothy is like.
In this phrase, the audience is dragged along by curiosity. We want to know who this phrase refers to. The revelation that gives the phrase its meaning comes at the end.
BENNY: “‘Curdled’ was all I could think, “like the offer of a glass of warm milk spiked with lemon juice”. Dorothy’s voice scraped at my nerves, mid-way between a whine and an accusation, despite her winsome looks and harmless demeanor.”
In this phrase the revelation comes in the middle, and is accompanied by an explanatory elaboration; an attempt to achieve both effects (suspense and elaboration) is present.
Hook Words
Note that a hook word or image is usually present also. Something to grab at our attention that doesn’t put us to sleep with how commonplace and predictable it is; something that also raises a question for the reader. This is set up and pay-off at work in the realm of sentence construction. A question is raised; “in what way does Dorothy sound ‘sour’?”; “what is like ‘venom’?”; and “just what is it that is ‘curdled’?”. Each of these questions is paid off within a sentence or two, resolving the tension of the setup sentence.
The selection of the startling word and turn of phrase (those lines from films, plays, audio dramas, and novels that we love to quote) is an art for which a few rules can be found helpful. When crafting dialog, select words that grab attention. Use unusual rather than commonplace (forgettable) words. Say “her words were sour” rather than that “she sounded bitter”. Words that awaken the senses are always stronger and create a bigger impact than words that are merely descriptive. Analogies, similes, and metaphors are also more impactful than merely descriptive words. The phrase, “like the offer of a glass of warm milk spiked with lemon juice”, is more impactful than “she looks sweet but says mean things”.
Adaptation
For those who adapt stories, be aware that many of the best lines are contained in the narration rather than the dialog. Prose writers tend to reserve the best lines and observations for their descriptions and narrative flourishes. The dialog, resultantly, tends to be fairly boring by comparison. As such, when adapting, look for ways to spice up the dialog (perhaps by putting the best lines from the narration into the mouths of the characters.
Timing the Powerful Phrase I
When should we use a startling or memorable phrase? Generally, “less is more” so you want to reserve your best lines for moments that have the greatest dramatic impact. Where every line is equally attention-grabbing, fatigue sets in, and nothing appears important anymore. The opening, closing, and climax of the scene are obvious candidates for the placement of your best lines.
Examples
Opening lines…
GEORGE: (ROAR OF RAGE) Which one of you lime-suckin’ hillbillies killed my dog? One o’ you turned him into crow’s meat. What for? Huh? He never did anything to any o’ you.
Closing lines…
SADIE: When you’re done with your meal, Walt, you’re gonna go up to our room and pack your bag.
WALT: Oh yeah? Why do you think I’ll do that?
SADIE: ‘Cause if you don’t, I’m gonna take a carving knife to you in the middle of the night. I mean it. And you’ll wish that truck had run you over and turned you into ground tomatoes and beef. And don’t think I won’t relish it. I’ll be like one o’ those rich gals sipping at their fancy drinks. Just sipping and listening to your screams.
WALT: (SNORTS). You finally grown a spine, huh? (DEFEATED) Alright, I’m going, but I’ll skin you for this Sadie. Skin you and turn you into a saddle blanket. That’s what I’ll do. You’ll see.
Climax…
TIMMY – I saw it. And I wouldn’t believe it neither, ‘cept I saw it myself. And Chelsea was smiling. Smiling the whole time. You’ve gotta believe me, it was her. Covered in gore all the way to her armpits, laughing like she just won at musical chairs, and swinging that knife like the baton in an orchestra.
To introduce a scene with an attention-grabbing line acts as a hook to pull your audience into the scene. To land a strong line at the end of a scene pays the scene off for the audience, leaving them satisfied and ready to continue forward (especially if it sets up a new question to be answered in the next scene).
Timing the Powerful Phrase II
Emotional turning points and key revelations within the scene are also great candidates for the delivery of a strong line, adding memorability and impact to a moment in which the author deliberately seeks to emotionally affect the audience.
Examples
Emotional Turn…
TOM: Hey everyone, I’ve got something to say. Emily, come up here, sweetie. That’s it. Um, I’ve got some news. (TO CROWD) Yeah, you guessed it, Emily has agreed to become my wife.
SOUND: APPLAUSE
TOM: So… Em? Got anything to say?
SOUND: (LOUD) SLAP INTO SHOCKED SILENCE FOR A BEAT.
EMILY: You’re a pig disease, Tom Franks. A pig disease on the skin of this community that won’t ever heal over. I hate you. I’m leaving.
SOUND: FOOTSTEPS RUN AWAY
SOUND: SHOCKED MURMURING FROM GUESTS
Key Revelation…
DOCTOR HARGREAVES: We spend decades learning to do what we do. And we’re only ever one malpractice suit away from having to start again. That you’d throw in your lot with the muck-rakers and ambulance chasers, tells me all I ever needed to know. You’re not my son.
Economy of Language
The sentences in the examples so far have all been a bit wordy. Long sentences are my personal kryptonite; I take way too long to say things. Taking out unnecessary words and leaving only what is essential to convey the character’s meaning is an incredibly important skill for the audio drama writer (and one, because it is a personal weakness of mine, I am forced to work on every day). Unnecessary repetition, overuse of adverbs, using six words where one would do, confused and unclear sentences… These sins must be struck out through careful editing. Editing can be the removal of dialog, but sometimes it’s the rearrangement of the same. At other times again, it requires an entire rewrite.
Look at the key revelation example above. Doctor Hargreaves’ line (like most of the lines I have used in these examples) is too long and cumbersome to feel authentic.
We could rewrite the line to be a bit more efficient as follows…
DOCTOR HARGREAVES: Despite years of sweat, I’m only one malpractice suit away from losing everything. The ambulance chasers don’t care. All they see are the dollars, but you know better. (BEAT) But you still took their side. (BEAT) You’re not my son.
It might not be perfect, but it is markedly improved. It’s more personal. The accusation against the son is clearer. The last two lines are short, accusatory and final.
Beware, however, of stripping out the characterization in search of a more efficient phrase.
“I didn’t do nothing, missus. Honest” may be less efficient than “I did nothing, missus”, but the character of the speaker is lost when the dialog is pared back this far.
Silence and the Pause
Silence is the final element of dialog I want to discuss today. The audio dramatist doesn’t have any visuals to engage in the heavy lifting except those they invent themselves. As such, body language, facial expression, posture, etc. are unavailable to help communicate the story. Everything must be communicated through voice and tone (what Artistotle referred to as diction). Diction is more truly the actor’s preserve than the writer’s, so I won’t spend much time on it here. However, it’s important to remember that meaning can be leveraged through tone of voice and vocal expression to indicate all manner of heightened emotional states, some congruent with the words being spoken (encouraging trust) while others are incongruent (sarcasm, etc.). These, however, are matters of performance.
With regard to the text itself, there is one more feature of dialog worth mentioning; the pause.
NARRATOR: The pause, (BEAT) dear listener, can be as eloquent as any raised eyebrow or frown.
Pauses can emphasize the drama, express confusion, suggest cold disdain, or express shock, etc. In audio drama, the pause has traditionally been indicated by the bracketed (BEAT) notation (as per the narrator example above).
Conclusion
To be an effective writer, not every line needs to be a zinger. But delivered at judicious moments of high dramatic impact, especially if the line represents multiple levels of communication, strewn with occasional and appropriate pauses, and edited with care, an original line of dialog, or turn of phrase, can turn an otherwise ordinary play into something both quotable and memorable.
Copyright Philip Craig Robotham © 2021 .
