Who’s Teaching First Grade? – Experimental Tales – Episode 9

Just for fun, I recently adapted the old “Who’s on First?” sketch by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello so that it became a gag about teaching. It got some positive responses so I’m publishing it here. As such, today, for your entertainment, we present “Who’s Teaching First grade?” an adaptation of the baseball comedy of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello into a school setting by Philip Craig Robotham.

I have been amazed at how well the old Abbott and Costello gag fits school teaching. To provide a little background (with apologies – sort of – to Larry and Joel, the principal and vice-principal at the school that employs me — for however short a period that may be after this), I am a teacher in my day job. I work in a great school with some truly gifted teachers, and a fantastic and supportive principal. We’ve recently appointed a new vice-principal and it occurred to me that there were certain comic parallels between the way a new co-worker might be introduced to a school and the way Bud Abbott once tried to figure out who the players were on a well known baseball team. This is the result…

WHO’S TEACHING FIRST GRADE?

SCENE 1: INT – THE STAFF ROOM AT A LOCAL SCHOOL
(JOEL – THE NEW VICE PRINCIPAL, LARRY – THE PRINCIPAL)

by Philip Craig Robotham

Cover Illustration by Miyukiko

Unedited Draft

Copyright 2016 Philip Craig Robotham

Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial No Derivatives (CC BY-NC-ND 4.0) Edition.

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WHO’S TEACHING FIRST GRADE?

CAST LIST

LARRY: The Principal

JOEL: The Vice Principal

WHO’S TEACHING FIRST GRADE?

SCENE 1: INT – THE STAFF ROOM AT A LOCAL SCHOOL
(JOEL – THE NEW VICE PRINCIPAL, LARRY – THE PRINCIPAL)

1. MUSIC: OPENING THEME (SCHOOL DAYS) – LET IT FINISH.
2. SOUND: SCHOOL BELL – LET IT FINISH.
3. JOEL: Hi Larry. I guess, since I’m going to be the new Vice Principal at your school, I should learn who the teachers are.
4. LARRY: Sure Joel. And you’ve come to the right place. As principal of this school, I make it my business to know everybody and everything that goes on around here. Strange as it may seem, some of our teachers have very peculiar names.
5. JOEL: Funny names?
6. LARRY: Exactly. Now, let me see… Who’s teaching first grade, What’s teaching second grade, I Don’t Know is teaching third grade–
7. JOEL: That’s what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the teachers at your school.
8. LARRY: That’s what I’m telling you. Who’s teaching first grade, What’s teaching second grade, I Don’t Know’s teaching third grade.
9. JOEL: (SKEPTICAL) Are you the principal?
10. LARRY: Yes.
11. JOEL: And you don’t know the teachers’ names?
12. LARRY: Well of course I do.
13. JOEL: Well then who’s teaching first grade?
14. LARRY: Yes.
15. JOEL: I mean the teacher’s name.
16. LARRY: Who.
17. JOEL: The teacher teaching first grade.
18. LARRY: Who.
19. JOEL: The first grade teacher.
20. LARRY: Who.
21. JOEL: The teacher teaching…
22. LARRY: (INTERRUPTING IN FRUSTRATION) Who is teaching first grade!
23. JOEL: I’m asking YOU who’s teaching first grade.
24. LARRY: That’s the teacher’s name.
25. JOEL: That’s who’s name?
26. LARRY: Yes.
27. JOEL: Well go ahead and tell me.
28. LARRY: That’s it.
29. JOEL: That’s who?
30. LARRY: Yes.
31. (PAUSE)
32. JOEL: Look, you got a first grade teacher?
33. LARRY: Certainly.
34. JOEL: Who’s teaching first grade?
35. LARRY: That’s right.
36. JOEL: When you pay off the first grade teacher every month, who gets the money?
37. LARRY: Every dollar of it.
38. JOEL: All I’m trying to find out is the teacher’s name teaching first grade.
39. LARRY: Who.
40. JOEL: The teacher that gets the money.
41. LARRY: That’s it.
42. JOEL: Who gets the money…
43. LARRY: She does, every dollar. Sometimes her husband comes down and collects it.
44. JOEL: Who’s husband?
45. LARRY: Yes.
46. (PAUSE)
47. LARRY: What’s wrong with that?
48. JOEL: Look, all I wanna know is when you signed up the first grade teacher, how did she sign her name?
49. LARRY: Who.
50. JOEL: The teacher.
51. LARRY: Who.
52. JOEL: How did she sign…
53. LARRY: That’s how she signs it.
54. JOEL: Who?
55. LARRY: Yes.
56. (PAUSE)
57. JOEL: All I’m trying to find out is what’s the teacher’s name teaching first grade.
58. LARRY: No. What is teaching second grade.
59. JOEL: I’m not asking you who’s teaching second grade.
60. LARRY: Who’s teaching first grade.
61. JOEL: One grade at a time!
62. LARRY: Well, don’t change the teachers around.
63. JOEL: I’m not changing nobody!
64. LARRY: Take it easy, Joel.
65. JOEL: I’m only asking you, who’s the teacher teaching first grade?
66. LARRY: That’s right.
67. JOEL: Ok.
68. LARRY: All right.
69. (PAUSE)
70. JOEL: What’s the teacher’s name teaching first grade?
71. LARRY: No. What is teaching second grade.
72. JOEL: I’m not asking you who’s teaching second grade.
73. LARRY: Who’s teaching first grade.
74. JOEL: I don’t know.
75. LARRY: She’s teaching third grade, we’re not talking about her.
76. JOEL: Now how did I get to the teacher of third grade?
77. LARRY: Why, you mentioned her name.
78. JOEL: If I mentioned the third grade teacher’s name, who did I say is teaching third grade?
79. LARRY: No. Who’s teaching first grade.
80. JOEL: What’s teaching first grade?
81. LARRY: What’s teaching second grade.
82. JOEL: I don’t know.
83. LARRY: She’s teaching third grade.
84. JOEL: There I go, back teaching third grade again!
85. (PAUSE)
86. JOEL: Would you just stay with the person teaching third grade and don’t move off it for a second.
87. LARRY: All right, what do you want to know?
88. JOEL: Now, who’s teaching third grade?
89. LARRY: Why do you insist on putting Who teaching third grade?
90. JOEL: What am I putting teaching third grade?
91. LARRY: No. What is teaching second grade.
92. JOEL: You don’t want who teaching second grade?
93. LARRY: Who is teaching first grade.
94. JOEL: I don’t know.
95. LARRY & JOEL TOGETHER: third grade!
96. (PAUSE)
97. JOEL: Look, you got a senior school?
98. LARRY: Sure.
99. JOEL: The science teacher’s name?
100. LARRY: Why.
101. JOEL: I just thought I’d ask you.
102. LARRY: Well, I just thought I’d tell you.
103. JOEL: Then tell me who’s teaching science.
104. LARRY: Who’s teaching first grade.
105. JOEL: I’m not… stay out of the junior school! I want to know what’s the teacher’s name teaching science?
106. LARRY: No, What is teaching second grade.
107. JOEL: I’m not asking you who’s teaching second grade.
108. LARRY: Who’s teaching first grade!
109. JOEL: I don’t know.
110. LARRY & JOEL TOGETHER: Third grade!
111. (PAUSE)
112. JOEL: The science teacher’s name?
113. LARRY: Why.
114. JOEL: Because!
115. LARRY: Oh, he’s mathematics.
116. (PAUSE)
117. JOEL: Look, You got an English teacher at this school?
118. LARRY: Sure.
119. JOEL: The English teacher’s name?
120. LARRY: Tomorrow.
121. JOEL: You don’t want to tell me today?
122. LARRY: I’m telling you now.
123. JOEL: Then go ahead.
124. LARRY: Tomorrow!
125. JOEL: What time?
126. LARRY: What time what?
127. JOEL: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who’s teaching English?
128. LARRY: Now listen, Who is not teaching English.
129. JOEL: Don’t you dare say who’s teaching first grade! I want to know what’s the English teacher’s name?
130. LARRY: What’s teaching second grade.
131. JOEL: I don’t know.
132. LARRY & JOEL TOGETHER: Third grade!
133. (PAUSE)
134. JOEL: Got a French teacher?
135. LARRY: Certainly.
136. JOEL: The French teacher’s name?
137. LARRY: Today.
138. JOEL: Today? … and tomorrow’s teaching English?
139. LARRY: Now you’ve got it.
140. JOEL: All we got is a couple of days at this crazy school.
141. (PAUSE)
142. JOEL: You know I’m a parent too.
143. LARRY: So they tell me.
144. JOEL: Let’s say I send my daughter to your school, Tomorrow’s teaching English in the senior school. My daughter’s put into first grade and I want a parent/teacher conference. So I pick up the phone and ring who?
145. LARRY: Now that’s the first thing you’ve said right.
146. JOEL: (FRUSTRATED) I don’t even know what I’m talking about!
147. (PAUSE)
148. LARRY: Look, that’s all you have to do. Pick up the phone.
149. JOEL: Pick up the phone and call to talk to the first grade teacher?
150. LARRY: Yes!
151. JOEL: Now who’s gonna answer the phone?
152. LARRY: Naturally.
153. (PAUSE)
154. JOEL: Look, if I ring up to talk to the teacher in first grade, somebody’s gonna answer the phone. Now who answers it?
155. LARRY: Naturally.
156. JOEL: Who?
157. LARRY: Naturally.
158. JOEL: Naturally?
159. LARRY: Naturally.
160. JOEL: So I pick up the phone and I call Naturally.
161. LARRY: No you don’t, you call Who.
162. JOEL: Naturally.
163. LARRY: That’s right.
164. JOEL: That’s what I said.
165. LARRY: You’re not getting it…
166. JOEL: I ring up Naturally.
167. LARRY: You ring up Who.
168. JOEL: Naturally.
169. LARRY: That’s it.
170. JOEL: That’s what I said!
171. LARRY: Alright, you ask me this time.
172. JOEL: I ring up who?
173. LARRY: Naturally.
174. JOEL: Now you ask me.
175. LARRY: You ring up Who?
176. JOEL: Naturally.
177. LARRY: That’s it.
178. JOEL: I just said the same as you! Same as YOU! I enroll my daughter to go to school. Whoever it is… is teaching first grade. More kids are enrolled in second grade. These kids are enrolled and taught by What? Other kids are enrolled and taught by I Don’t Know. As if that ain’t enough, another kid gets taught Tomorrow. Still another kid gets enrolled and sent to Because. Why? I don’t know! She’s teaching third grade and I don’t give a darn!
179. LARRY: (SHOCKED) What?
180. JOEL: I said I don’t give a darn!
181. LARRY: Oh, that’s our music teacher.
182. MUSIC: ENDING THEME AND CREDITS – LET IT FINISH.

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