This is the first in a series of scripts from the age of Old Time Radio that I have been studying as a means of learning more about the craft of radio scriptwriting.  You will find the script (or transcript, if you prefer) at the beginning of this post followed by a general commentary/analysis of the way it works, and lastly, an analysis of the story structure and takeaways (things that I’ve learned from the exercise).

Bud and Lou Go Hunting [a.k.a. “Lion Hunting”]

Originally broadcast: December 12, 1946

This script is copyright to its original writers as an unpublished work. It is provided here, under reasonable use provisions of the copyright act as an educational resource for those who wish to learn radio scriptwriting (for their study and dissection).
The subsequent analysis is copyright © Philip Craig Robotham 2017 and © Weirdworldstudios 2017.

CHIEF DRAMATIS PERSONAE

ANNOUNCER: PROMOTER OF CAMEL CIGARETTES

SECOND ANNOUNCER: PROMOTER OF CAMEL CIGARETTES

PRINCE ALBERT ANNOUNCER: PROMOTER OF PRINCE ALBERT TOBACCO

BUD ABBOTT: STRAIGHT MAN

LOUS COSTELLO: FOIL

THE FOUR HITS MALE SINGING QUARTET

MARILYN MAXWELL SINGER AND STARLET

SKINNAY ENNIS SINGER

GAME WARDEN GAME WARDEN

VOICES NEBRASKA FOOTBALL TEAM

MALE VOICE PORCUPINE

FEMALE VOICE PORCUPINE

NANCE VOICE HERMIT DRESSED IN LION SKIN

SFX ARTIST (MIN 1 REQUIRED) SFX ARTIST

Bud and Lou Go Hunting [a.k.a. “Lion Hunting”]

ACT 1

SCENE 1: (INT) STUDIO (ANNOUNCER, BUD ABBOTT, LOU COSTELLO)

1. MUSIC: THE FOUR HITS (singing): C-A-M-E-L-S!
2. ANNOUNCER: That’s right, folks!
3. MUSIC: MUSICAL STING
4. ANNOUNCER: C for comedy!
5. MUSIC: MUSICAL STING
6. ANNOUNCER: A for Abbott!
7. MUSIC: MUSICAL STING
8. ANNOUNCER: M for Maxwell!
9. MUSIC: MUSICAL STING
10. ANNOUNCER: E for Ennis!
11. MUSIC: MUSICAL STING
12. ANNOUNCER: L for Lou Costello!
13. MUSIC: MUSICAL STING
14. ANNOUNCER: Yes, they spell “Camels” — your taste will tell you about Camels’ rich full flavor! Your throat will welcome Camels’ cool mildness. So draw up a chair for tonight’s show starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello!
15. SOUND: APPLAUSE, MUSIC
16. BUD: Hey, Costello! Costello! Costello!
17. SOUND: APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER
18. BUD: Will you listen to me, please? Did you go hunting with your Uncle Artie Stebbins last Saturday?
19. LOU: What’d you say?
20. BUD: I say, did you go hunting with your uncle Artie Stebbins last Saturday?
21. LOU: Yeah and a terrible thing happened. A great big bear sneaked up behind us, grabbed Uncle Artie’s gun out of his hands and stuck it in his back.
22. BUD: What did Uncle Artie do?
23. LOU: What could he do? He married the bear’s daughter.
24. BUD: Eh-?
25. SOUND: LAUGHTER
26. BUD: Never mind that. Did you see any big game?
27. LOU: I saw a giraffe but I didn’t shoot him. He had a sore throat.
28. BUD: Well, there’s nothing worse than a giraffe with a sore throat.
29. LOU: Oh, yes there is.
30. BUD: What?
31. LOU: A centipede with corns.
32. SOUND: LAUGHTER
33. BUD: You dummy. I’ve never heard that you went hunting in your life… and I don’t believe you did. I bet you haven’t even got a hunting license.
34. LOU: I have, too. Here it is.
35. BUD: Wait a minute, wait a minute. This is no hunting license. This is a picture of Hedy Lamarr.
36. LOU: You hunt what you like and I’ll hunt what I like.
37. SOUND: LAUGHTER
38. BUD: You a hunter! Why that’s ridiculous.
39. LOU: Oh, yeah? My brother-in-law used to hunt alligators.
40. BUD: Alligators?
41. LOU: Yeah. One time an alligator was just about to attack my brother-in-law. I fired off both barrels of my trusty rifle.
42. BUD: Did you kill the alligator?
43. LOU: See this wallet?
44. BUD: Genuine alligator?
45. LOU: No. Genuine brother-in-law.
46. SOUND: LAUGHTER
47. BUD: Talk sense! Come here, look at this. You see this picture? Now, I caught all these rabbits last winter. Now, how many would you say there are?
48. LOU: (QUICKLY) Eight hundred and seventy-six.
49. BUD: (AMAZED) That’s exactly right. Wait a minute. How did you guess it?
50. LOU: Oh, I just count the legs and divide by four.
51. BUD: I–
52. SOUND: LAUGHTER
53. BUD: Costello, have you ever been in Africa on safari?
54. LOU: No, but I’ve been in New York on safari.
55. BUD: Eh–? A safari in New York?
56. LOU: Yeah, the Staten Island Sa-Ferry.
57. SOUND: LAUGHTER
58. LOU: And also the Hoboken Sa-Ferry.
59. BUD: Aw, now, come on, that’s ridiculous.
60. LOU: There’s lots of safaris around there.
61. BUD: Hey, listen to me, though. You should have been with me on my elephant hunt. Oh, there I was, surrounded by elephants. One big bull elephant started towards me. I said to myself, “I’m trapped! Abbott, you’re trapped! Should I run or stand here and shoot the bull?”
62. SOUND: LAUGHTER
63. BUD: Well, I shot him. The elephant fell and broke a tusk.
64. LOU: Broke a what?
65. BUD: A tusk, tusk.
66. LOU: Tusk, tusk to you, too, and a couple o’ pooh-poohs!
67. SOUND: LAUGHTER
68. BUD: A tusk is valuable. We use fifty thousand elephants a year just to make billiard balls.
69. LOU: Wow! How do they train ‘em to do such delicate work?
70. SOUND: LAUGHTER
71. BUD: I can see you know nothing about elephants.
72. LOU: I once hunted elephants in India — with an old acquaintance of mine. And an elephant sat on him. Someday I gotta go back there.
73. BUD: Why?
74. LOU: To scrape up an old acquaintance.
75. SOUND: LAUGHTER
76. LOU: Hey, Abbott, hey, Abbott, did you ever shoot a zebra?
77. BUD: Yes, I did.
78. LOU: Could I have that zebra skin?
79. BUD: Aw, what do you want with a zebra skin?
80. LOU: My Aunt Minnie is in Alcatraz and she needs a new fur coat.
81. BUD: Aw…
82. SOUND: LAUGHTER
83. BUD: That’s silly, Costello. However, I have a stuffed rhinoceros you can have. Course, you know what a rhinoceros is, don’t you?
84. LOU: Oh, sure. That’s a hippopotamus with a radiator cap.
85. BUD: Naw…
86. SOUND: LAUGHTER
87. BUD: Costello, this is the last week of the big game hunting season. Now, tomorrow I’m going hunting in the High Sierras and I’d like you to come along with me.
88. LOU: Oh, gee, thanks, Abbott. Say, you’ve done a lot of huntin’. What do they call those little flies that buzz around the animals?
89. BUD: Gnats.
90. LOU: I asked you a civil question.
91. SOUND: LAUGHTER
92. LOU: What do they call those little flies?
93. BUD: Gnats. Gnats.
94. LOU: Gnats to you, too, brother!
95. BUD: No, no, no, you dummy, gnats are the flies that annoy the animals. Of course, some of them have ticks.
96. LOU: Why don’t they take the ticks and give those flies a good thrashing?
97. BUD: I didn’t say “sticks,” I said “ticks”! For instance, there’s deer’s ticks.
98. LOU: The deer ticks?
99. BUD: Uh, certainly, deer ticks.
100. LOU: Who wound ’em up?
101. BUD: Aw, nobody wound ’em up.
102. SOUND: LAUGHTER
103. LOU: Then what makes ’em tick? (TO THE AUDIENCE) Somebody must’ve slipped a grume in his gruel.
104. SOUND: LAUGHTER
105. BUD: Costello… Listen to me, please. When I say “deer ticks” I don’t mean the deer ticks. I mean, deer ticks.
106. LOU: Abbott, let me smell your breath.
107. BUD: Aw, come on, please, talk sense.
108. SOUND: LAUGHTER
109. BUD: The deer has ticks and the ticks bother the deer.
110. LOU: They used to bother me when I went to school.
111. BUD: Ticks bothered you in school?
112. LOU: Yeah. Arithme-tics … Mathema-tics…
113. SOUND: LAUGHTER
114. LOU: And, one time, a tick got me in trouble with the teacher.
115. BUD: Aw, now, wait a minute, how could a tick get you in trouble with the teacher?
116. LOU: (IN A CHILD’S VOICE) I ticked my tongue out at the teacher and she twounced the tweat of my twousers with a twap! Now…?
117. SOUND: LAUGHTER
118. BUD: Costello… Look, Lou, I’m talking about animal ticks. Hundreds of animals in the woods have ticks.
119. LOU: That must be a pretty sound … when hundreds of animals get together and they all start tickin’ at once.
120. SOUND: LAUGHTER
121. BUD: Naw, no, listen, Costello, listen to me. Deer have ticks. Elks have ticks. And, one time, my father shot a moose with ticks. Now, do you know what I’m talking about?
122. LOU: Sure, your father’s moose ticks!
123. BUD: Aw, now…
124. SOUND: LAUGHTER
125. BUD: Costello, you’re getting more stupid every day. I don’t know what to do with you. I don’t know what to say to you. I’ve tried and I’ve tried to improve your mind but I just can’t seem to get anywhere.
126. LOU: Why don’t you face it, Abbott? You’re a failure.
127. SOUND: LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

ACT 2

SCENE 2: (EXT) OUTSIDE THE STUDIO (ANNOUNCER, BUD, LOU, SKINNAY)

128. MUSIC: MUSIC IN
129. ANNOUNCER: And here, for Camel cigarettes, is Skinnay Ennis and the boys with
130. MUSIC: “For Sentimental Reasons” — Skinnay on the vocal – LET IT FINISH.
131. SOUND: APPLAUSE
132. ANNOUNCER: The pages of American history are illumined by the names of doctors who worked unceasingly to overcome disease and to make life happier and more secure for humanity. The makers of Camels are pardonably proud of the standing of this cigarette among doctors. A nationwide survey of doctors’ cigarette preferences was recently made. Three leading independent research organizations asked this question of one hundred thirteen thousand five hundred and ninety-seven doctors — doctors in every field of medicine: “What cigarette do you smoke, Doctor?” The brand named most was Camel. Yes … (FILTERED VOICE) according to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke Camels than any other cigarette.
133. MUSIC: MUSIC IN AND OUT
134. LOU: Well, here I am, Abbott. And I’m all ready to go hunting with you up in the mountains.
135. BUD: Ah, that’s fine, Costello. How is your hunting equipment?
136. LOU: I got the best, Abbott. Look, Cornel Wilde’s old address book.
137. SOUND: LAUGHTER
138. BUD: Costello, hunting is a serious sport. Now, suppose you came face to face with a big bruin. What would you do?
139. LOU: Ask him for a ticket to the Rose Bowl game.
140. BUD: Aww…
141. SOUND: LAUGHTER
142. BUD: You know, Marilyn Maxwell and Skinnay Ennis are going to meet us at the hunting lodge. And I hope you brought something along.
143. LOU: I did. I brought a quart of bourbon in case somebody gets the chills. What are you bringing, Abbott?
144. BUD: Mmm… the chills.
145. SOUND: LAUGHTER
146. BUD: Costello, did you bring a gun?
147. LOU: Why, yes. Here it is. This is my sawed-off shotgun.
148. BUD: Wait a minute. Where is the handle?
149. LOU: How do you like that? I sawed off the wrong end.
150. SOUND: LAUGHTER
151. BUD: Well, come on, Costello, Marilyn and Skinnay are waiting for us at the hunting lodge in the mountains, let’s go.
152. MUSIC: MUSICAL BRIDGE

SCENE 3: (EXT) AT THE HUNTING LODGE (SKINNAY, BUD, LOU, MARILYN, GAME WARDEN, VOICES, MALE VOICE, FEMALE VOICE)

153. SKINNAY: (WITH A SOUTHERN DRAWL) Hiya, Fat, Flabby, and Flat-Headed!
154. BUD: Aw, now, wait a minute. Don’t insult Costello, Skinnay. Don’t be a pill.
155. LOU: Skinnay ain’t no pill. He’s too long and narrow.
156. SOUND: LAUGHTER
157. SKINNAY: Well, thank you, Costello.
158. LOU: You’re a capsule!
159. SOUND: LAUGHTER
160. LOU: You’re a funny-lookin’ hunter, Skinnay. Do you know anything about guns?
161. SKINNAY: I know guns inside and out. Why, man, when I was a kid with the circus, they used to shoot me out of an air rifle.
162. SOUND: LAUGHTER
163. SKINNAY: What do you know about huntin’, Costello?
164. LOU: Have you seen that big bear rug in my living room?
165. SKINNAY: Sure.
166. LOU: Well, I shot that bear myself. What a battle! It was either me or the bear.
167. SKINNAY: Well, I’m glad it was the bear. You’d make an awful lumpy rug.
168. SOUND: LAUGHTER
169. BUD: Hey, look, Costello, here comes Marilyn Maxwell.
170. MARILYN: Hiya, boys!
171. SOUND: WOLF WHISTLE
172. MARILYN: And hello Louis, honey, my chubby little chucklin’ chipmunk.
173. LOU: Aw, Marilyn, my sugar-coated sharpshooter. Plug me with the buckshot of your kisses.
174. SOUND: LAUGHTER
175. MARILYN: Awww. Louis, honey, how do you like my hunting outfit? Saks Fifth Avenue.
176. LOU: Get a load of mine. Army Surplus.
177. SOUND: LAUGHTER
178. MARILYN: Aw, Louis, it’s gonna be fun hunting with you. What’s your favorite wild game?
179. LOU: Post Office?
180. SOUND: LAUGHTER
181. MARILYN: Louis! Louis, Post Office isn’t a wild game.
182. LOU: It is the way I play it.
183. SOUND: LAUGHTER
184. MARILYN: Aw, Louis, my little snow man. Come melt in my arms.
185. LOU: Gee, Marilyn, when I’m close to you like this I just can’t seem to break away.
186. MARILYN: Why not?
187. LOU: My nose is caught in the trigger of your shotgun.
188. SOUND: LAUGHTER
189. MARILYN: Well, Louis, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go up to the hunting lodge and freshen up. As they say in Spanish, “Mañana [o ya] noches” to you.
190. LOU: And your mama’s own nightshirt to you, too.
191. SOUND: LAUGHTER
192. BUD: Hey, Costello, Costello. Look up on that mountaintop. Now, there’s a mother stork and two little storks.
193. LOU: Yeah, Abbott. Can I ask you a question?
194. BUD: Well, certainly.
195. LOU: When the mama stork talks things over with the little storks, who does she say brings the babies?
196. SOUND: LAUGHTER
197. SKINNAY: (AT A DISTANCE) Help! Help!
198. GAME WARDEN: Beg pardon, pardners. Is there a skinny hombre in your party?
199. BUD: Uh, yes, there is. Why?
200. WARDEN: Well, you’d better go over thar and get him. A gopher just dragged him down into its hole.
201. SOUND: LAUGHTER
202. BUD: Uh, who are you, stranger?
203. WARDEN: I’m the game warden.
204. LOU: Yeah? What’s your game, Warden?
205. SOUND: LAUGHTER
206. WARDEN: You want to know mah game, partner? I’ll yell ya! It’s parchesi!
207. SOUND: LAUGHTER
208. WARDEN: But bein’ up here in the wild country so much, I trained three little skunks to play bridge with me.
209. LOU: Is it a steep game?
210. WARDEN: No, we only play for a tenth of a (s)cent. Huh haah!
211. SOUND: LAUGHTER
212. BUD: Uh, Warden, we’re after some big game. Have you seen any hereabouts?
213. LOU: Hereabouts? Abbott, I thought we came up here to shoot deer. I wouldn’t shoot a poor little hereabouts for anything in the world.
214. SOUND: LAUGHTER
215. LOU: Anybody that would shoot a little hereabouts and make a widow out of a she-abouts ought to be ashamed of themselves.
216. SOUND: LAUGHTER
217. BUD: Oh, shut up, you idiot. Uh, how about it, Warden? Is there any big game around here?
218. WARDEN: Well, there’s a ferocious mountain lion that has been terrorizin’ the countryside. He’s been killin’ the farmers’ chickens and he’s even been stealin’ eggs.
219. LOU: At the price, eggs are now, I don’t blame him.
220. SOUND: LAUGHTER
221. WARDEN: There’s a reward of a thousand dollars to the man that gets that mountain lion. One of you boys ought to trap him.
222. LOU: Which one of us would you suggest?
223. WARDEN: Why don’t you try, Tubby? You’ve got the biggest trap. Huh haah!
224. SOUND: LAUGHTER
225. VOICES HOWLING IN PAIN: Ooooh! Ow! Oooh! Don’t beat us anymore! Oh, no! Don’t beat us anymore, please! Please, don’t beat us anymore!
226. SOUND: LAUGHTER
227. LOU: Hey, who are those guys?
228. WARDEN: That’s the Nebraska football team!
229. SOUND: LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
230. [Under coach Bernie Masterson, the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers football team went 5-13-0 (.278) in 1946-47.]
231. WARDEN: Now, remember, if you shoot that lion, I’ll give you a thousand dollars for his skin. I need it to make stockings.
232. LOU: What kind of stockings can you make out of lion’s skin?
233. WARDEN: Ny-lion stockings! Huh haah!
234. SOUND: LAUGHTER
235. WARDEN: So long, Lard Head!
236. SOUND: LAUGHTER
237. SOUND: GROWLING SOUNDS
238. SKINNAY: Hey! Hey, you hear that, fellas? The lion’s just north of us.
239. LOU: Which way’s south?
240. BUD: Eh–!
241. SOUND: LAUGHTER
242. BUD: Come here, you coward. You’re not afraid to take a chance, are you?
243. LOU: Yeah.
244. BUD: Now, take this cane. You see it?
245. LOU: Yeah.
246. BUD: The lion won’t bite you if you’re carrying a cane.
247. LOU: Yeah, but how fast do I have to be carryin’ the cane?
248. SOUND: LAUGHTER
249. LOU: I ain’t monkeyin’ around with no lions, Abbott. The last time I saw a lion was in the Adirondack Mountains.
250. BUD: What happened?
251. LOU: I snapped at the lion. Then the lion snapped at me. And then somethin’ whizzed past.
252. SKINNAY: What was it?
253. LOU: Kansas City.
254. SOUND: LAUGHTER
255. BUD: Shh. Quiet. I hear something. Listen.
256. MALE VOICE: I love you, ouch!
257. FEMALE VOICE: I love you, ouch!
258. MALE VOICE: I love you, ouch!
259. FEMALE VOICE: I love you, ouch!
260. BUD: Costello, what was that?
261. LOU: Two porcupines necking.
262. SOUND: LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

ACT 3

SCENE 4: (EXT) OUTSIDE LION’S CAVE (ANNOUNCER, MARILYN, BUD, LOU, SKINNAY)

263. MUSIC: MUSIC IN
264. ANNOUNCER: Camel cigarettes bring you the lovely Marilyn Maxwell from M-G-M, producers of their Academy Award contender, “The Yearling.” Accompanied by the Four Hits, Marilyn sings “Blue Skies”:
265. MARILYN: (SINGS) “Blue Skies”
266. SOUND: APPLAUSE, MUSIC OUT
267. ANNOUNCER: When you take your first puff from a Camel cigarette, there’s a delighted response from your T-Zone. That’s T for Taste and T for Throat, the proving ground for any cigarette. Your taste and your throat tell you you’ve made a wise selection. See how choice tobaccos, superbly blended and properly aged, give Camels a rich, mellow flavor that’s extra delightful to your taste. See if Camels own cool mildness isn’t exactly what you’ve always wanted to suit your throat. Yes, millions say, “Camels suit my T-Zone to a tee.” You know a nationwide survey of doctors’ cigarette preferences was recently made. Three leading independent research organizations asked this question of one hundred thirteen thousand five hundred and ninety-seven doctors: “What cigarette do you smoke, Doctor?” The brand named most was Camel. Yes …(FILTERED VOICE) according to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke Camels than any other cigarette.
268. MUSIC: MUSIC IN AND OUT
269. SOUND: GROWLING NOISES
270. BUD: All right, Costello. All right, now, take it easy, kid, I’m right in back of ya. Don’t worry about me. Here’s the mouth of the cave. Now, go in there. That’s a pal for ya. I let you go in and get the lion, didn’t I?
271. LOU: You want me to go in and get the lion?
272. BUD: Certainly, I’m your friend.
273. LOU: Why don’t you go in and get the lion?
274. BUD: Aw, what do you mean? You want me to go in? I have a family.
275. LOU: Oh. What’ve I got?
276. BUD: Never mind what you’ve got. You go ahead in and get that lion.
277. LOU: Okay.
278. SKINNAY: Hey, what’s the matter? You scared? Look at you. Your knees are knockin’.
279. LOU: I always knock before I enter a cave.
280. SOUND: LAUGHTER
281. SOUND: GROWLING
282. BUD: Take it easy. Buck up, Costello. And, remember, make the lion believe you’re not afraid of him.
283. LOU: I couldn’t be that deceitful.
284. SOUND: LAUGHTER
285. BUD: You’ve got to think of those poor people who’ve lost their cattle and their chickens and their eggs on account of that lion. How can you face them, Costello? Think of it! How can you face them … when they may be starving?
286. LOU: How can I face that lion? He may be starving, too.
287. SOUND: LAUGHTER
288. MARILYN: Oh, there you are, Louis, honey. Oh, I’m so proud of you. I know you’re going in that cave and kill that lion just for me.
289. LOU: I am?
290. MARILYN: Yes. And, Louis, honey, I’d do anything for you. Why, I’d climb the highest mountain. I’d swim the deepest river.
291. LOU: How do you like that? Here I am facing death and this dame is gonna go out climbing and swimming.
292. SOUND: LAUGHTER
293. LOU: Okay. I’ll go in. But if that lion runs out, don’t nobody shoot at him.
294. BUD: Why not?
295. LOU: I may be inside of him.
296. SOUND: LAUGHTER

SCENE 5: (INT) INSIDE THE CAVE (LOU, NANCE)

297. MUSICAL BRIDGE: WHO’S AFRAID OF THE BIG BAD WOLF?
298. SOUND FX: A SLIGHT ECHO ON THE VOICES TO INDICATE CAVE INTERIOR
299. LOU: Gee, it’s certainly dark in this lion’s cave.
300. NANCE VOICE: Why don’t you light a match?
301. SOUND: LAUGHTER
302. LOU: Who said that?
303. NANCE VOICE: It’s me. The lion.
304. SOUND: LAUGHTER
305. LOU: What do you know? A talkin’ lion. I gotta tell Abbott, Skinnay, and Marilyn about this.
306. NANCE: Oh, no, no, you must never tell anyone. I’m a hermit and I just hate people.
307. SOUND: LAUGHTER
308. NANCE: I wear this lion skin to scare them away. I live in this cave all alone.
309. LOU: How’d you find this cave with all the housing shortage?
310. NANCE: I subleased it from a bear that went on the road with a skating act.
311. SOUND: LAUGHTER
312. LOU: You must get lonesome here all alone. Why don’t you get a roommate?
313. NANCE: I had a roommate. An elk. And then the meat shortage came along …
314. SOUND: LAUGHTER
315. LOU: You mean that, uh, …?
316. NANCE: You see this tooth hanging on this watch chain?
317. LOU: Yeah.
318. NANCE: Well, it ain’t mine!
319. SOUND: LAUGHTER
320. LOU: Look, Mr. Hermit, my girl is outside. I promised her I’d bring out the lion. Give me that lion skin and I’ll take it out there and everybody’ll think you’re dead and nobody will bother you anymore.
321. NANCE: Here, take the skin. Oh, goody, goody! Now, I can be a real hermit and then I won’t be bothered by Lucille Ball, Betty Grable, or Marilyn Maxwell.
322. SOUND: LAUGHTER
323. LOU: Gee, do they call you?
324. NANCE: No! That’s what bothers me!
325. SOUND: LAUGHTER
326. SOUND: ECHO OUT

SCENE 6: (EXT) OUTSIDE THE CAVE (BUD, MARILYN, THE FOUR HITS, LOU)

327. MUSIC: MUSIC IN
328. BUD: Say, look! Here comes Costello out of the cave.
329. MARILYN: Oh, my hero! Look, he has the lion’s skin!
330. THE FOUR HITS: (SINGING) Who is the greatest hunter of them all?
331. “Bring ‘Em Back Alive” Costello!
332. MARILYN: (SINGS) When there is danger, who’s the one they call?
333. “Bring ‘Em Back Alive” Costello!
334. LOU: (SINGS) Once I found a baby leopard – with milk I filled his tummy
335. And then in some Egyptian tomb I helped him find his mummy
336. SOUND: LAUGHTER
337. THE FOUR HITS: (SINGING) He taught Tarzan everything he knows
338. When in danger, he’s not yellow
339. MARILYN: (SINGS) Who looks dapper in his hunting clothes?
340. No one but my handsome fellow.
341. LOU: (SINGS) One day I caught a tiger – I wasn’t even tryin’
342. And in the movie house, I caught a Metro-Goldwyn lion
343. SOUND: LAUGHTER
344. THE FOUR HITS: (SINGING) Brave, yes, indeedy – a threat to Clyde Beatty
345. The greatest hunter of them all
346. MUSIC: THE MUSIC PAUSES
347. BUD: Costello.
348. LOU: Yeah?
349. BUD: You’ve hunted a lot of big game. Tell me, did you ever hunt bear?
350. LOU: I can’t, Abbott. The bushes tickle me.
351. SOUND: LAUGHTER
352. LOU: Once I saw a mink, though. I saw a mink playin’ in the woods…
353. MUSIC: MUSIC IN
354. LOU: I picked ‘im up and I said to him…
355. (SINGS, TO THE TUNE OF “Laugh, Clown, Laugh”)
356. Though you’ll be a coat for Lana Turner
357. Laugh, mink, laugh
358. Though you’ll be a lovely hat for Myrna
359. Laugh, mink, laaaaaaaaaaaaaugh!
360. SOUND: LAUGHTER
361. LOU: (SINGS)At Cyril’s you’ll have the best table
362. Think of those cold nights with Bettyyyyyyy … Shapiro!
363. SOUND: LAUGHTER
364. LOU (SINGS): When you’re on display at Bullock’s Wilshire
365. Giggle, mink, giggle
366. SOUND: LAUGHTER
367. LOU: (SINGS) All your cares will vanish if your tail will
368. Wiggle, mink, wigglllllllle, minnnnnnnk!
369. SOUND: LAUGHTER
370. LOU: (SINGS): And don’t be depressed – keep your skin up
371. When you see Frank Buck, just laaaaaaugh
372. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
373. SOUND: LAUGHTER
374. LOU: (SINGS)Laaaaaugh!
375. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
376. SOUND: LAUGHTER
377. LOU: (SINGS HIGHT NOTE) Laaaaaugh!
378. SOUND: LAUGHTER, SONG ENDS, APPLAUSE
379. MARILYN: Aw, Louis, honey, my brave adventurer. Some day you must take me hunting with you.
380. LOU: I will, Marilyn, my love. And you can ride on my papa jackass.
381. SOUND: LAUGHTER
382. MARILYN: A papa jackass? Well, how do you know he’s married?
383. LOU: All jackasses are married.
384. SOUND: LAUGHTER
385. MARILYN: Oh, my hero. Let’s celebrate tonight. We’ll go to the smartest restaurant for dinner, see the best show in town, and then visit all the swanky nightclubs.
386. MUSIC: MUSIC IN
387. MARILYN: Then, I’ll kiss you good night and …
388. LOU: (SQUEALS WITH DELIGHT) Oooohh.
389. MARILYN: (SINGS “After You’ve Gone”) After you’ve gone and left me cryin’
390. After you’ve gone, there’s no denyin’
391. How lonesome I’ll be
392. There’s no one I’ll see …
393. LOU: (SINGS) Until she finds another sucker like me!
394. SOUND: LAUGHTER
395. THE FOUR HITS: (SINGING) Who knows his jungles better than a book?
396. “Bring ‘Em Back Alive” Costello!
397. MARILYN: (SINGS) Who’ll charm a snake with one hypnotic look?
398. “Bring ‘Em Back Alive” Costello!
399. LOU: (SINGS)I caught a baby penguin – he looked so awful cute
400. I haven’t got the penguin but I’m wearing his dress suit!
401. SOUND: LAUGHTER
402. THE FOUR HITS: (SINGING) Who makes the wildest trapper look so tame?
403. No one else but Lou Costello
404. MARILYN: (SINGS)He makes the others hang their heads in shame
405. He’s so groovy, he’s so mellow!
406. LOU: (SINGS)I’ve captured famous animals from every living herd
407. I even caught a De-troit Tiger sliding into third!
408. SOUND: LAUGHTER
409. THE FOUR HITS: (SINGING) Brave, yes, indeedy – a threat to Clyde Beatty
410. The greatest hunter of them all
411. LOU: Heyyy, Abbooooooott!
412. THE FOUR HITS: (SINGING) The greatest hunter of them all
413. SONG ENDS, PROLONGED APPLAUSE

Act 4

SCENE 7 (EXT) OUTSIDE CAVE (LOU BUD, ANNOUNCER, SECOND ANNOUNCER)

414. LOU: Oh, boy. What a tough battle. But I won. Hey, Abbott, there is the lion’s skin.
415. BUD: Wait a minute, Costello. There’s something phony about this. Turn that skin over. Ah ha! I thought so! There’s a label on that lion’s skin, Costello. Come on, read it!
416. LOU: Eastern Columbia, Broadway at Night!
417. SOUND: LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, MUSIC IN AND OUT
418. ANNOUNCER: Abbott and Costello will be back in just a moment for Camel cigarettes.
419. 2ND ANNOUNCER: During the war, the makers of Camel cigarettes sent a total of more than one hundred and fifty million free Camels to our fighting men overseas. Now, free Camels are sent to servicemen’s hospitals instead. This week the Camels go to Veteran’s Hospital, Atlanta, Georgia; U.S. Army Valley Forge General Hospital, Phoenixville, Pennsylvania; U.S. Naval Hospital, Newport, Rhode Island; U.S. Marine Hospital, Staten Island, New York; and Veteran’s Hospital, San Fernando, California.

SCENE 8 (INT) INSIDE THE STUDIO (ANNOUNCER, BUD, LOU, 2^nd ANNOUNCER, PRINCE ALBERT ANNOUNCER, THE FOUR HITS)

420. ANNOUNCER: Camel broadcasts go out to the United States three times a week, are re-broadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are still stationed, and to our good neighbors in Central and South America. And here are Abbott and Costello with a final word.
421. BUD: By the way, Costello, the December tenth issue of Look Magazine has printed the pictures of your big barbecue party for the kids.
422. LOU: Yes, did you see it, Abbott?
423. BUD: (ANGRY) I did! I saw your picture, your wife’s picture, your kids’ pictures, and my picture! But I didn’t see my wife Betty’s picture! And I know they took Betty’s picture! Now, where’s my wife’s picture? Why wasn’t it in there?
424. LOU: Well, the fella that took your wife’s picture couldn’t develop it.
425. BUD: Why not?
426. LOU: He was afraid to go into the dark room with it alone!
427. BUD: Aw, good night, folks!
428. LOU: Nyaaah!
429. SOUND: LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, MUSIC IN AND OUT
430. PRINCE ALBERT ANNOUNCER: More pipes smoke Prince Albert than any other smoking tobacco. And that’s a perfect guide to your choice of a Christmas gift for any pipe smoker. Prince Albert, naturally. Prince Albert’s rich, full-bodied flavor and cool mildness spell Christmas joy because they spell lasting smoking joy. Trim-cut to burn cool and even, specially treated to ensure against tongue bite. That’s Prince Albert. Give the big pound package of Prince Albert with its special Christmas wrapping to all the pipe smokers on your list. Be sure to hear Prince Albert’s “Grand Ole Opry” Saturday night. Red Foley, the new singing sensation, sings American folk songs in a way that’ll make your heart beat faster. Remember, Saturday night on NBC, “Grand Ole Opry” with Red Foley, the Duke of Paducah, and Minnie Pearl!
431. MUSIC: MUSIC IN
432. ANNOUNCER: Be sure to tune in next week for another great Abbott and Costello show brought to you by Camel cigarettes. And, remember, try Camels in your T-Zone. See if they don’t suit your taste, your throat to a tee. And, remember, too, that giving a carton of Camels is a specially warm-hearted way to say “Merry Christmas” to all smokers on your gift list.
433. THE FOUR HITS (singing): C-A-M-E-L-S!
434. ANNOUNCER: This is Jim Doyle in Hollywood wishing you all a pleasant good night for Camels. Thursday night is another all-star night on NBC. Stay tuned for “The Eddie Cantor Show” which follows immediately over most of these stations.
435. SOUND: APPLAUSE
436. NETWORK ANNOUNCER: This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.
437. MUSIC: MUSIC OUT

ANALYSIS

The overt cigarette advertising on a family show creates a certain amount (A LOT) of discomfort.

The show had a standard format (varying a little over time) in which it would showcase the comedy as a series of sketches, to begin with culminating in one of the duo’s signature “who’s on first” dialogs. Followed by a story or narrative that would be used to develop a series of jokes. The show also needed to fit a number by each of its two musical stars (Skinnay Ennis, and Marilyn Maxwell) into the program.

The first section of the show is a series of gags linked around the show’s topic (hunting).

The repetition of the question at the beginning captures audience concentration and helps focus them on the gags – an old vaudeville trick from their time on stage.

A great deal of Abbott and Costello’s humor is based on unexpected observations, ambiguous language, wordplay, misunderstanding, and subversion of expectations. Costello’s amiable fool character is essential as the foil for all the misunderstandings that take place.

Abbott and Costello don’t use the setup, punch, topper, second topper joke structure much at all. Instead, they group a series of distinct gags around their topic moving from one to another in sequence. They use the laughs as a form of curtain that allows them to switch topic at need. They then add transitional phrases to segue into each new gag (usually in the form of mild insults).

Two types of dialog gags are regularly in use here – the story (where one comedian supplies the setup and punchline in the form of a story with the other prompting the story with questions ) and the exchange (where one comedian supplies the setup while the other supplies the punchline).

Abbott is usually the straight man, putting the setup in place or prompting the story with questions while Costello delivers the punch. These are great examples of jokes as dialog.

Their most famous (signature) gag structure is showcased here as well (typified by the famous “who’s on first” gag). It is an extended dialog based around the ambiguity of language. Costello’s amiable fool finds numerous ways to misunderstand Abbott and the exchange ends with an insult (but one based on a misunderstanding as well). It is the comedic climax of the show before switching to a comic narrative structure. This sequence is as close to the setup-punchline, topper, second topper pattern as this comedy duo come… but they extend it into one long laugh.

The second half of the show is built around a loose narrative structure. The scene setting is incredibly economic (a single line of narrative, delivered in character, does the job in each case).

The story is merely an excuse to tie the gags together, but it is a solid story structure nonetheless.

STORY STRUCTURE

Inciting incident – In line 87 Bud invites Lou to go hunting.

Characters introduced – In line 134 we are told that Skinnay and Marilyn will also be going.

Problem introduced (call to adventure) – In line 218 the warden arrives and informs the group of the presence of a dangerous mountain lion and offers a reward for shooting it. At line 237 they find the lion’s cave.

Resisting the call – In line 248, Lou resists tackling the problem. Of course, in the end, Lou is coerced into tackling the problem (line 292) and agrees to enter the cave.

Embracing the call – Inside the cave, Lou discovers that the lion is, in fact, a hermit in disguise.

Problem transformed – Cleverly, the problem (facing a lion) is transformed inside the cave into one of how to appear to be brave, save face, and protect the hermit’s privacy (line 319).

Problem solved – Lou solves the problem and emerges with the lion skin in line 328.

Denouement – Lou’s success is celebrated by a silly song (which didn’t really grab me at all) in which he is lionized (pardon the pun) as a hunter, but subverts the praise he is given each time he adds a line of his own about his prowess. In line 366 he receives the reward for his bravery (a night on the town with Marilyn).

Twist – In line 386 the twist occurs, revealing his cowardice to Bud – but of course, as audience members, we already know Lou’s bravery is a lie.

TAKEAWAYS

The setup, punchline, topper, second topper structure isn’t the only way to do comedy.

Story structure matters, and is present, even in a simple narrative.

Even in a simple story, a redirection can add surprise and interest to an otherwise okay narrative.

A single line or phrase is all the setup most scenes require.

This script contained in this article is copyright to its original writers as an unpublished work. It is provided here, under reasonable use provisions of the copyright act as an educational resource for those who wish to learn radio scriptwriting (for their study and dissection).

The subsequent analysis is copyright © Philip Craig Robotham 2017 and © Weirdworldstudios 2017.

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