On the Fence Archives - Host Your Own Old Time Radio Drama

On the Fence – Episode Four – Puck’s Revenge

Philip Robotham — Sat, 16 Jul 2016 00:24:29 +0000

Below we present the complete text of ‘Puck’s Revenge’; episode 4 of On the Fence.

Fantasy Noir – FN004 – On the Fence

Parental Guidance Recommended: May contain content some parents may feel is inappropriate for younger children

ON THE FENCE

EPISODE #4 – PUCK’S REVENGE

by Philip Craig Robotham

Cover Illustration by Miyukiko

Edited by Margaret Wilkins

Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial No Derivatives (CC BY-NC-ND 4.0) Edition.

CC by-nc-nd 4.0

This play is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial No Derivatives (CC BY-NC-ND 4.0) International license. This play may not be commercially reproduced, performed, or sold. Non-commercial production, performance, and reproduction are allowed under this license so long as attribution is maintained. No derivative content or use is allowed. It can be freely shared in its current form (without change) under this license. If you would like to purchase one or more copies of this work (for your own personal non-commercial use, or to help financially support the author) then please return to https://www.weirdworlstudios.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Other works by this author can be found at the author’s website: https://weirdworldstudios.com or through select, online book retailers.

Serial #4: On the Fence

Claire Templeton, crime reporter, often wonders what she sees in her boyfriend, Tully Bing.

Being bookish and timid, he just isn’t her type. But when the information Tully provides about the black market puts her in touch with a fence who is quickly murdered by means that can only be described as magical, she and Tully are drawn into a brand new faery plot to destroy the city, sever and isolate the mortal realm, and pave the way for a faery takeover.

With her sometime ally, Tony Wells, effectively neutralized by a clever faery plot, Claire finds herself working for and with the High Queen of the Realm of Darkness. Unfortunately, the Queen tops Claire’s list of suspects with regard to who’s behind all the mayhem. Can Claire solve the case and save the day before her hometown becomes a giant crater? Tune in to “On the Fence” and listen as the mystery unfolds.

Episodes in the Host Your Own “Old Time Radio Drama” series are designed to provide a fun dinner party experience for 6–8 participants. Read along, taking on the role of one or more of the characters in the story, and listen as the exciting drama unfolds. This is the theater of the mind, where the special effects are only limited by your imagination, and your participation will build a memory that you’ll treasure for years to come.

ON THE FENCE

CAST LIST

TONY WELLS: Private Detective

CLAIRE TEMPLETON: Crime Reporter

FRED: The Magical Sword

MAB: High Queen of the Dark Realm

SYLVAESTRON (STINK): A faery of the wee folk of darkness

TULLY BING: Cartographer and researcher (current boyfriend to Claire)

PUCK: Lord of Mischief, currently exiled from the Realm of Light

FAERY, MINION #1 AND MINION #2: Faery minions of Puck

SFX: SFX operator (1 required)

ACT 3

SCENE 11: INT – PUCK’S APARTMENT BUILDING (THE CRATER ILLUSION) – sometime LATER (PUCK, CLAIRE)

MUSIC: OPENING THEME – LET IT FINISH.
NARRATOR: Detective Tony Wells has been taken prisoner by the representatives of the Fae Realms for agreeing to help Queen Mab of the realm of darkness to clear her name. In Tony’s absence, Claire Templeton has been investigating on his behalf. She has now discovered that The Puck, a member of the Fae exiled to the mortal realm, is behind it all but has been taken captive herself…
SOUND: [10] (WALLA) SLOW BUBBLING OF BOILING MUD, CREAKING OF ROPE – ESTABLISH AND UNDER.
CLAIRE: I woke to find myself hanging over a boiling pool of mud. My body ached, my clothes had been reduced to rags and I was covered in scratches and bite marks, put there presumably by the teeth of the dogs. The ringing in my ears slowly gave way to an even less welcome noise. Puck was talking.
PUCK: (GLOATING) So here it is. After all this time I finally have the sword. Such fools these mortals be. It is probably the second most powerful object in existence. It renders its owner second in power only to the members of the royalty of the fae realms. It can unmake even immortals when used properly. I should know, I forged it in the long ago. None of its wielders have ever known all its secrets as I do. If I’d known when it was being forged that it was going to be handed over to these witless mortals I never would have agreed to make it.
FRED: You’re my maker? I can’t say I’m all that impressed.
PUCK: Why doesn’t that surprise me? All that time among the humans has ruined you. I designed you to absorb and reflect the personality of your owners. I expected you would be given to mighty fae warrior of the realm of light. We were at war. I thought you would be used to bring ruin to our enemies. I had no idea that Oberon was about to betray everything we were working towards and try to establish a peace.
FRED: And what, you’ve been plotting and waiting for the last ten thousand years?
PUCK: Don’t be absurd. I’ve bided my time. Immortal remember? I’ve watched the mortals grow and spread, turning this realm into a ruin, full of poisoned soil and plant-life. I even arranged for my own exile so I could better keep an eye on things here. I mourned for the paradise that was being destroyed, but even mortals have their uses.
FRED: Oh, and how’s that?
PUCK: Their capacity for destruction is nearly infinite. With enough time, I believe they will succeed in destroying this world completely.
FRED: Is that so?
PUCK: It is. They are petty and greedy and duplicitous. What Oberon saw in them I’ll never know. But I’ll give them this, they are inventive. They have invented guns, cannons, and explosives and herein have I found my opportunity.
FRED: Yes? You’re obviously pretty impressed with yourself, try and impress me as well.
PUCK: I’ve fashioned a bomb. One which can absorb magical energy. The explosion will be huge. The devastation and loss of life in this city immense. The blast will be felt across the realms. In fact, it will sever this realm’s connection to the realms of faery entirely.
FRED: Leaving you to take over?
PUCK: Yes. The released energy of the bomb will have a devastating effect on human technology as well. Everything they have relied upon to ruin the world, their machines, etc will stop working. They will be forced back to the horse and cart. Millions worldwide will die. It will make their Great War look like a picnic. The only real power left in this world will be magic. And I will be its sole genuine practitioner.
FAERY: (AT A DISTANCE) My Lord Puck! My Lord Puck!
PUCK: Did I not say that I was not to be disturbed?
FAERY: I apologize my Lord. A courier has arrived with the crown.
PUCK: (SUDDENLY GLEEFUL) Haha! The crown is here. Then there is nothing left to stand in my way.
Girl! I know you are awake. It is a shame you tried to betray me and keep the sword. I would have liked to show you the world that is to come, but as it is, I’m fairly certain you will be dead before it arrives. Minion!
FAERY: Sir?
PUCK: Give me your torch.
SOUND: [35] SOUND OF FLAMING TORCH BEING BROUGHT FORWARD. – LET IT FINISH.
PUCK: If I place it here, then in a matter of moments it will burn through the rope that suspends you and will drop you into the boiling mud below. I’m sorry I’ll miss it, but the satisfaction it would give me is rather fleeting in comparison to the mayhem to come… and, what can I say, if I have a weakness, it is a taste for the grandiose. (APOLOGETICALLY) Your agonized death just isn’t going to compare with the death of an entire city. (DEPARTING) Bwahahahaha!
CLAIRE: (BEAT) (RELIEVED) I thought he’d never leave. (BEAT) Stink, are you there?
SOUND: [30] MAGICAL CHIME – LET IT FINISH.
SYLVAESTRON: That’s Sylvaestron if you please.
CLAIRE: Sorry, but that name’s a mouthful. And Stink suits you better.
SYLVAESTRON: (SIGHS) What do you need?
CLAIRE: Get me down from here before the rope burns through.
SYLVAESTRON: Your wish is my command.
CLAIRE: You guys really say that?
SYLVAESTRON: No, I saw it on late-night TV and thought it sounded cool.
CLAIRE: Oh!
SOUND: [30] MAGICAL CHIME – LET IT FINISH.
SOUND: [36] BODY DROP. LET IT FINISH.
CLAIRE: (GRUNTS) Ugh! Did you have to let me down so hard?
SYLVAESTRON: You didn’t land in the mud did you?
CLAIRE: No.
SYLVAESTRON: So, shut up. What now, fearless leader?
CLAIRE: Well, if the crown has arrived, we’ve only got moments to save the day.
SYLVAESTRON: You know, for someone who can keep an intelligent expression on her face, you aren’t all that smart.
CLAIRE: What?
SYLVAESTRON: You don’t have to save anything.
CLAIRE: Huh?
SYLVAESTRON: How come the pendant didn’t protect you against Puck’s dogs, huh?
CLAIRE: I don’t know. I hadn’t really thought…
SYLVAESTRON: Uhuh. Mab wants you here. Here right now. All you need to do is remember to follow her instructions.
CLAIRE: Huh? (BEAT) Oh!!!!
SYLVAESTRON: (PLEASED)Now the lights are turning on!
CLAIRE: I need to get to that throne in the center. Stink, can you create a distraction and buy me some time?
SYLVAESTRON: That noise you’re hearing is me raising hell. (ROCKETING INTO THE DISTANCE) Wheeeeeeeeee!
MINION #1: (AT A DISTANCE) What was that?
MINION #2: (LIKEWISE AT A DISTANCE) I don’t know but we better catch it before the boss finds out!
SOUND: [13] DOGS BAYING AND BARKING INTO THE DISTANCE – ESTABLISH AND FADE.
SOUND: [37] RUNNING FEMALE FEET – LET IT FINISH.
CLAIRE: Thank goodness. No-one’s here… and uh oh. The bomb’s under the throne… but there’s the crown. I’ll grab it!
SOUND: [30] MAGICAL CHIME – LET IT FINISH.
PUCK: Oh, I think you’ll find that would not be a good idea. (BEAT) Surprise!
CLAIRE: Really? Well, I think you’ll find that the jig is up, Puck. You’re finished.
PUCK: Oh? And what makes you so confident?
CLAIRE: I got out of your little trap didn’t I?
PUCK: I assume, with the help of the little pollution faery currently leading my dogs on a run. I should have searched you, a mistake I won’t repeat.
CLAIRE: But I have something else as well. Something even more powerful than either the crown or the sword. Am I lying?
PUCK: (SNIFFING THE AIR) No you’re not! (GREEDILY) But what could it be? The sword is the second most powerful object in existence? You couldn’t possibly have the “touchstone”. There’s no way you could even reach it, let alone steal it away from its guardian…
CLAIRE: No, I don’t have any object. What I have is this… Mab! Mab! Mab!
SOUND: [30] MAGICAL CHIME – LET IT FINISH.
MAB: I answer the call!
PUCK: (WITH A SQUEAL) Mab! I mean, your majesty! How wonderful to see you. And so unexpected.
MAB: Hello Puck. It has been some time, has it not? I do not believe I have seen you since you were exiled from Oberon’s court. What mischief have you been working this time?
PUCK: Mischief, your Majesty? Why, I follow my nature as all must. In fact, I have done you a great service.
MAB: Oh yes?
PUCK Indubitably. I have obtained these many items, stolen from the realms of the fae. I present them to you, your majesty.
MAB: Oh, you are a little trickster aren’t you? Fully aware that I know you stole them in the first place, you still try to salvage the situation by attempting to make of them a treacherous little gift. I could return the crown directly to Oberon and so place him in my debt. And for this service, you would also place me in your debt. No, that will not do at all. I’ve summoned the protectors. They will take you into custody and present you to Oberon.
PUCK: Damn you, Mab! Having Oberon in your debt would have given you power unequaled. Would you really turn your back on this opportunity?
MAB: Foolish Puck. I enjoy games as much as you do, and blood, and chaos. But I am far wiser than you. (STERNLY) The balance must be maintained. If that means occasionally giving up the opportunity for advantage, so be it. Like you I am a slave to my nature. And my nature is… calculating.
PUCK: Then you give me no choice. I will cast the spell that will set off the explosion. Manhua… Glup! (SPLUTTERING INCOHERENTLY).
CLAIRE: (NARRATING) I watched as Puck opened his mouth to speak only to have it filled with a well-aimed glob of gunk. I wasn’t about to speculate regarding the contents of the glob, but given Puck’s expression, and the triumphant look on Stink’s face as she swooped in, it was pretty disgusting.
At that moment the protectors arrived. They took one look at Mab, another at the Puck, and with a glance at the bomb sitting beneath the throne they put all the pieces together.
From the glint in Mab’s eye I could tell that, fine words about maintaining the balance not-withstanding, she was going to have a lot of fun berating Oberon and Titania (and the protectors) for suspecting her.
Oberon and Titania turned up shortly to offer their apologies and the words were clearly ashes in Titania’s mouth. Their stay was short and their departure was as rapid as protocol would allow.
Finally, Puck was taken away by Eberon, presumably to face the (considerable) wrath of Oberon.
MAB: Well, Miss Templeton, all is now as it should be. You’ve done quite well. Your world is saved and the balance has been restored.
CLAIRE: But how did you know all this…
MAB: Now, now, dear. We all have our secrets. And some are a very great burden to carry. Are you sure you’d like to know this one?
CLAIRE: Er no. On second thought, ignorance is bliss.
MAB: Very wise. I’m going to need my pendant back now.
CLAIRE: Oh, of course. What will happen to Stink… I mean Sylvaestron, now?
MAB: She has provided me with a service that makes up for the stomach worms. I will grant her the freedom to go where she wishes.
CLAIRE: And Tony? What’s happened to him?
MAB: Ah, of course. He will be freed. In fact, he will probably appear here any moment.
CLAIRE: Why here?
MAB: This is where the sword is. It will act as a beacon when they send him back.
SOUND: [30] MAGICAL CHIME – LET IT FINISH.
CLAIRE: Speak of the devil.
MAB: Indeed!
TONY: Where? What are we doing here?
CLAIRE: Hey, Tony. Nice to see you too. Damn, but they worked you over good.
FRED: (JOYOUS) Boss! Great to see ya. A whole lot’s been happening while you’ve been gone.
TONY: (TO MAB) (GROANS) Ugh. I take it, most of this was your doing?
MAB: Of course. But don’t be too angry mortal. Your realm has been saved in the process. And as for me, I’ve made a small profit as well.
TONY: Profit? How…
MAB: Don’t you know? Well, you’ll work it out soon enough. And with that, I’ll bid you farewell.
SOUND: [30] MAGICAL CHIME – LET IT FINISH.
TONY: Ooookay?
CLAIRE: Oh no! I almost forgot! Tully! We’ve got to go get Tully back.
(NARRATING) We grabbed the sword, as battered and bruised a pair as you were ever likely to meet, and I quickly filled the aching and very confused tough guy in on the events of the day as we hurried over to Lefty Louie’s. Inside we found the place abandoned. It seemed that Louie had chosen to leave town in the wake of his unmasking as an exiled member of the fae. He was none too happy about the situation either if the state that poor Tully was in was any guide. We found Tully trussed up in the basement. He was covered in honey and feathers and his clothes were in the next room. He’d been beaten once or twice. I tried to apologize for leaving him behind but he wouldn’t even look at me. He gathered himself up with as much dignity as he could, climbed stickily into his clothes and left saying…
TULLY: We are never going to talk about this day ever again. As far as I am concerned everything after breakfast this morning never happened.
CLAIRE: (NARRATING) I went to follow him, but Wells stopped me.
TONY: He needs a little time, kid. He’ll be fine.
CLAIRE: (NARRATING) Just to be on the safe side I returned the glamour bracelet to the now empty desk. To nobody’s surprise, it shimmered for a moment and vanished. With that out of the way, we went back to Tony’s office.
MUSIC: [3] (BRIDGE) NEUTRAL SCENE ENDER – LET IT FINISH.

SCENE 12: INT – TONY’S OFFICE – EARLY EVENING (TONY, CLAIRE, FRED)

SOUND: [38] DOOR OPENS, TWO PEOPLE ENTER, DOOR CLOSES – LET IT FINISH.
TONY: (GROANING) Ugh. It’s getting late and I need a belt! There’s some rye in the filing cabinet under “h”.
CLAIRE: Under “h”?
TONY: Yeah, for “hooch”.
SOUND: [39] SCREECH OF FILING CABINET OPENING – LET IT FINISH.
CLAIRE: That better not be typical of your filing system.
TONY: Give it a rest will ya? I’ve been chained to a wall and tortured most o’ the day.
CLAIRE: Yeah? And while you were just hanging around getting your bell rung (pun intended) I was out being savaged by magical dogs and saving the world from a psychotic faery. (BEAT) I win!
TONY: Just pass me a glass!
SOUND: [40] WHISKY BEING POURED – LET IT FINISH.
CLAIRE: What are we drinking to?
TONY: That’s easy. Success to crime!
CLAIRE: Bottom’s up.
TONY: (BEAT) Looks like the mail’s been.
CLAIRE: What’s the big one?
TONY: Ain’t you nosy!
CLAIRE: Reporter, remember? And, oh damn. The city’s black market is out of business and I won’t be able to print a word about it.
SOUND: [41] SHUFFLING PAPER, TEARING LETTER OPEN – LET IT FINISH.
TONY: Aw hell!
CLAIRE: What?
TONY: Aw hell! The letter’s from Mab. (BEAT) “Dear Sir,” Nice! “You were contracted to conduct an investigation on my behalf but in the end, it was accomplished by Miss Templeton. As a result, you have received payment for services which have not been rendered. Naturally, this failure means that you are in my debt. I will not forget! Mab” (BEAT) Aw hell!
CLAIRE: That’s what she meant by profit. You just can’t get a break, can you?
TONY: She set me up. Right from the start!
CLAIRE: Have another drink. We’ll just have to come up with something to take your mind off it.
FRED: (CHEERFULLY) Oh yeah! This news should help. Hey boss, I forgot to tell you. You’ve got yourself a new apprentice.
TONY AND CLAIRE: (SPLUTTERING IN THEIR DRINKS) What!?
MUSIC: [2] CLOSING THEME AND CREDITS – LET IT FINISH.

CASTING SHEETS — MAJOR CHARACTERS

TONY WELLS: I used to work as a detective in the City Police Department. Now I’m a private detective in a city full of liars, cheats, killers, and con-men. You’d think that would have made me a cynic. And I guess it has a little. But underneath the hard-boiled exterior, I actually give a damn. I do this job because I want to keep people safe from the animals and predators who roam the dark side of the city. I believe in heroes, or at least I want to believe in them.

CLAIRE TEMPLETON: I’m the crime reporter for the Star City Tribune. I know everyone in this town from the mayor down to the guys who pick up your garbage at four in the morning. I’m good at my job too, which is why I get myself into so many scrapes and tight corners. I’m fearless, determined, and always get my story — even when there’s no one with the courage to print it!

MAGIC SWORD (FRED): I’m a magical sword and I inherit my personality from the world around me. I’m a wise-talking smart alec who’s always laughing at the expense of my owner. Possibly because I can’t be destroyed — magical remember — I see myself as superior to ordinary mortals. Nothing bothers me particularly and I love giving advice. I will probably be advising my new master on the proper etiquette for being swallowed by a dragon while he is being munched upon.

TULLY BING: I’m a cartographer — which means I like maps. I make maps of everything. Recently I’ve developed an ability with maps that is scaring me to death. But then, everything scares me to death. I’m dating Claire Templeton. That scares me to death too. Nothing’s normal with her and I never know where I stand. She seems to like it that way.

PUCK: I am the Lord of Mischief and I love this mortal realm. Sadly, the humans are destroying it and, since no one else seems willing to do anything about it, I have taken it upon myself to take over. Lord of Mischief! Lord of Nature! Lord of the Mortal Realm! I shall save it all and rule it all!

MAB: I am Mab, High Queen of the Realm of Darkness. I am… calculating. I am beautiful, cold, and cruel. I don’t like humans, except as playthings. They are usually beneath my interest. But the balance must be maintained. That is my overriding commitment. The balance must be maintained. Of course, if I can make a small profit while keeping things in balance, then, of course, I’d be a fool not to. The balance is delicate and adjusting it takes no small amount of finesse.

CASTING SHEETS — MINOR CHARACTERS

SYLVAESTRON (STINK): I’m a helpful pollution faery. What? You thought all faeries were cute and stuff? Well, I suppose that can be forgiven because I was cute once… but then the land to which I am linked was poisoned by a mining company. None of those ugly flowers and bird-songs for me. Now it’s all stink and slag and slime. Cool, huh! Now, what would you like poisoned? Didn’t I mention that I’m helpful?

FAERY, MINION #1 AND #2: We are the faery minions of the Puck. We dance and delight in chaos. We are mischief personified. Our attention spans are short but we can move incredibly fast. We follow the Puck because he provides us with fun and blood, but mostly fun.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Philip Craig Robotham grew up in a house full of books and has held numerous jobs as a teacher, computer programmer, graphic and web designer, an e-learning consultant and, most recently, writer. He currently lives in Sydney, Australia with his wife and two sons. When he was younger and fitter he enjoyed martial arts, but in recent years his hobbies have tended towards more sedate fare (board games, movies, books, and role-playing games).

He is extremely grateful for the encouragement he receives from his biggest fans — his wife and two boys — all of whom read and enjoy his scripts and in general make his life worth living.

This post and all its content is copyright © 2013 Philip Craig Robotham and has been released under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial No Derivatives (CC BY-NC-ND 4.0) license. This play cannot be reproduced, shared, or performed commercially without the written permission of the author. The production of derivative content, merchandise, or creative works and materials is expressly forbidden under this agreement. However you may share, reproduce, and perform this play freely so long as authorship is acknowledged, no money changes hands, and the play is not modified in any way.

You can contact the author regarding performance rights (or simply to say hello) through his website: https://weirdworldstudios.com.

Don’t forget to check out the free sample portions of our titles at https://weirdworldstudios.com/product-category/our-products/.

On the Fence

The post On the Fence – Episode Four – Puck’s Revenge appeared first on Host Your Own Old Time Radio Drama.

On the Fence – Episode Three – The Dogs of War

Philip Robotham — Sat, 09 Jul 2016 00:20:22 +0000

Below we present the complete text of ‘The Dogs of War’; episode 3 of On the Fence.

Fantasy Noir – FN004 – On the Fence

Parental Guidance Recommended: May contain content some parents may feel is inappropriate for younger children

ON THE FENCE

EPISODE #3 – THE DOGS OF WAR

by Philip Craig Robotham

Cover Illustration by Miyukiko

Edited by Margaret Wilkins

Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial No Derivatives (CC BY-NC-ND 4.0) Edition.

CC by-nc-nd 4.0

Other works by this author can be found at the author’s website: https://weirdworldstudios.com or through select, online book retailers.

Serial #4: On the Fence

Claire Templeton, crime reporter, often wonders what she sees in her boyfriend, Tully Bing.

ON THE FENCE

CAST LIST

CLAIRE TEMPLETON: Crime Reporter

FRED: The Magical Sword

PROFESSOR WARD: Tully’s boss

TULLY BING: Cartographer and researcher (current boyfriend to Claire)

LEFTY LOUIE: Smuggler, black marketeer, and club owner

LACKEY: Lefty Louie’s Hireling

PUCK: Lord of Mischief, currently exiled from the Realm of Light

DOGS #1 AND #2: Faery minions of Puck in dog form

SFX: SFX operator (1 required)

ACT 2

SCENE 6: INT. — THE UNIVERSITY — EARLY EVENING (TULLY, CLAIRE, PROFESSOR WARD)

MUSIC: OPENING THEME – LET IT FINISH.
NARRATOR: Private Detective, Tony Wells, has been taken prisoner by the Fae Courts for agreeing to investigate a series of thefts on behalf of Mab, the Queen of the Fae Realm of Darkness. The thefts have the potential to significantly shift the balance of power among the Fae and pose a direct threat to the mortal realm as a consequence. Claire Templeton, Ace Reporter, and the only other mortal who is aware of Tony’s role as a Protector of the Covenant between humanity and the Fae, now faces the daunting task of trying to get to the bottom of the mystery on her own.
SOUND: [25] DOOR HURRIEDLY OPENING AND CLOSING — LET IT FINISH.
CLAIRE: Tully? Tully? Where are you?
PROFESSOR WARD: Excuse me, miss, this is a place of research. You can’t just come in here and…
TULLY: I’m sorry, Professor Ward. I know her. It’ll be okay.
PROFESSOR: Bing, isn’t it? If you say so, but believe me when I tell you we’ll be discussing this interruption further when you appear before the grants board next week.
SOUND: [31] PROFESSOR WALKING AWAY — LET IT FINISH.
CLAIRE: What a grouch!
TULLY: What are you doing here? This is where I work. You could get me into all kinds of trouble yelling like that!
CLAIRE: What, with him? I’ve seen bigger blowhards, I guess.
TULLY: Yeah, well he has the power to deny or approve my research grant so I’m not in the mood to pick a fight with him.
CLAIRE: He’s the chair of the grants committee?
TULLY: Yeah.
CLAIRE: And he’s the one who’s had you jumping through all those hoops over the last four weeks, doing overtime, etc., in the hopes you can earn yourself a grant?
TULLY: Yeah, why?
CLAIRE: I didn’t realize it was the same guy. He gave an interview to the science editor of the Tribune last week.
TULLY: So?
CLAIRE: So he’s on the record saying that, due to new stringency measures being imposed on the university, his department won’t be approving any funding grants for the foreseeable future.
TULLY: Son of a … why I oughta…
CLAIRE: That’s not why I’m here. Tully, I need to know where Lefty Louie is right now.
TULLY: Right now? I know you’re always desperate for a story, Claire, but…
CLAIRE: It’s important, Tully. Much more than you know. The survival of the entire city could be at stake.
TULLY: What? Claire, you’re not making any sense.
CLAIRE: Remember how we were talking about the weird stuff that’s been happening lately? Well, this is related.
TULLY: You mean faery folk and mortal peril? Again?
CLAIRE: That’s exactly what I mean. Will you help me?
TULLY: I guess there’s nothing to keep me here.
CLAIRE: Are you going to tell the others about the interview?
TULLY: Nah, the only other one here besides me at the moment is Jefferson and he’s a jackass. He and Ward deserve each other.
CLAIRE: Okay then. Grab your map. We’re going to need it.
MUSIC: [3] (BRIDGE) NEUTRAL SCENE ENDER — LET IT FINISH.

SCENE 7: EXT. — LEFTY LOUIE’S NIGHTCLUB — MIDDAY (CLAIRE, TULLY, LACKEY)

SOUND: [8] (WALLA) STREET SOUNDS, OCCASIONAL CAR PASSING —ESTABLISH AND UNDER.
CLAIRE: This is it? It’s not exactly subtle, is it?
TULLY: Neon lights and a giant statue of Louie himself? As black-market bases go, no, not so much. Why are we doing this, again?
CLAIRE: I want some intelligence on the newcomer. If we go in knowing nothing, we’re likely to end up dead. At least Louie is a known quantity and likely to have some good information on the guys muscling in on his area of business.
TULLY: I don’t know, Claire. What do you know about this guy, really?
CLAIRE: Only what I hear on the streets. Louie is, or at least he was, the most reliable fence in town. He never welshed on a deal and, as far as I know, he’s never had to kill anyone — though he’s happy enough to work with killers and worse.
TULLY: Not very comforting, Claire.
CLAIRE: Well, in for a penny. Shall I knock?
TULLY: (MOROSELY) Be my guest.
SOUND: [22] KNOCKING ON DOOR — LET IT FINISH.
SOUND: [29] DOOR PANEL BEING SLID OPEN — LET IT FINISH.
LACKEY: Whattaya want? We’re closed.
CLAIRE: Fergus the Fence sent us.
LACKEY: Yeah? Well, you better come in, then.
SOUND: [27] DOOR UNLOCKS AND SWINGS OPEN — LET IT FINISH.
LACKEY: Follow me.
MUSIC: [3] (BRIDGE) NEUTRAL SCENE ENDER — LET IT FINISH.

SCENE 8: INT. — LEFTY LOUIE’S PRIVATE OFFICE — MOMENTS LATER (LACKEY, LOUIE, CLAIRE, TULLY)

CLAIRE: We were ushered into a sumptuous office. All mahogany woodwork and red leather. Incongruously, the wall held what appeared to be a forged DaVinci painting in a golden frame. Behind his enormous desk, the elderly proprietor looked an extraordinary mix of dandy, gentleman, and hobo — fine clothes, outrageously expensive yet gaudy jewelry, and a battered old felt hat upon his head.
LACKEY: [CUE] Mr. Louie, I’ve got some folks here to see you. They say Fergus sent ’em.
LEFTY LOUIE: Thanks, Charles. Welcome. I understand you come bearing tidings?
CLAIRE: Uh… Mr. Louie… you know I always thought that was a nickname.
LOUIE: Names have power, miss. I find it useful to keep people guessing. Now, I’m a busy man. What news do you bring?
CLAIRE: Actually I was hoping you might be able to give us some news.
LOUIE: Really? Then you don’t work for Fergus?
CLAIRE: No, I’m sorry we don’t.
LOUIE: And to what then, should I put down this impertinence? Insanity? A wish to put an end to the harshness of living? Perhaps you are simply stupid?
TULLY: It remains to be seen. (RECEIVING AN ELBOW FROM CLAIRE) Ooof!
CLAIRE: What my friend means is that we have business that may interest you and hoped we could use Fergus’ name to get a hearing.
LOUIE: I see. Well, that all depends on the business. If I decide you are wasting my time, you will be required to make recompense. If on the other hand there is a profit to be made from your “business” then you will find me very… friendly. Do we have an understanding?
CLAIRE: Okay.
LOUIE: Good, now tell me what brings you to my club. And do be truthful. You’d be surprised how easy I find it to tell when someone is lying to me.
CLAIRE: Ahem. Right. We’re aware that you have a new competitor in town and that he has been causing you some difficulties.
LOUIE: And what interest would this hold for… a pretty young crime reporter and… and a cartographer, hmmm?
TULLY: How’d he?
CLAIRE: Shh! Mr. Louie, according to some information I received this morning, I believe that unless extraordinary measures are taken, something terrible will befall this city — and this new crime boss/competitor of yours is behind it.
LOUIE: But I’m just a humble nightclub owner — how might I be of assistance?
CLAIRE: As I said, this new figure is a competitor of yours. We need information and fast. Anything at all about his business would be a help. And your business would benefit in proportion to how much assistance you provide us in taking him down.
LOUIE: No, I don’t think so.
CLAIRE: No?
LOUIE: No. If I were to help you, and the news got out, it would be extremely bad for business. As it is, I make my way as best I can. And you seem a little too ignorant of what is really going on here to provide me with any advantage.
CLAIRE: But…
LOUIE: I’ve been more than patient with you, youngsters. But I’m afraid this interview is coming to an end.
CLAIRE: Tully, look at your map.
TULLY: What?
CLAIRE: Just do it. I’m willing to bet there isn’t a single piece of cold iron in this building.
LOUIE: What are you…
TULLY: You’re right. There’s iron in most of the buildings surrounding us, but not here.
CLAIRE: You’re not quite what you seem, are you, Mr. Louie? You’re from somewhere in the fae realms. An exile, perhaps?
LOUIE: I see. You know I can’t allow you to leave here with that knowledge, don’t you?
CLAIRE: Maybe, but at the least, it demonstrates I’m not as ignorant as you first thought. Perhaps a deal might be made after all?
LOUIE: And my secret?
CLAIRE: I’m a crime reporter. I keep my sources secret as a matter of professional ethics.
LOUIE: No. I think it would be easier to simply kill you both. You have violated my hospitality by coming here under false pretenses. There is no reason I can think of that I should take a risk on your “professional ethics.”
Yes, my first instinct is to kill you and, as much as it gives me genuine regret, I think that will remain my choice.
SOUND: [30] MAGICAL CHIME — LET IT FINISH.
CLAIRE AND TULLY: (MUFFLED AND IMMOBILIZED) Mmmf! Mmmmf!
LOUIE: I’m a hands-on kind of guy. Now you are under my power, I need only reach over and snap your…
SOUND: [32] SUDDEN ELECTRICAL DISCHARGE — LET IT FINISH.
LOUIE: (IN PAIN) Aaargh! What have you? No, where did you get that pendant?
CLAIRE: Mmmf! Mmmf!
SOUND: [30] MAGICAL CHIME — LET IT FINISH.
LOUIE: Speak! Where did the pendant come from?
CLAIRE: (GASPING) It was given to me by the Queen of the Realm of Darkness. I’m acting as her agent.
LOUIE: (IMPRESSED) No wonder I couldn’t touch you. This… now, this does change things.
CLAIRE: Does that mean you’ll help us?
LOUIE: No. It means I’ll help you. This other one, Mr. Bing, however, will stay with me until your debt to me for the flouting of the rules of hospitality is paid.
CLAIRE: No! You can’t keep Tully as a hostage.
LOUIE: Yes, as a matter of fact, I can. I believe he will prove quite entertaining. You do not think I’m going to pass up an opportunity like this, do you? It is the leverage I need to be assured that you will, in fact, be working against, and not for, the Puck.
CLAIRE: The Puck?
LOUIE: That’s right. He is your adversary. An exile from the Realm of Light. He is a wild fae of the most unpredictable sort. Puck is powerful and very dangerous. He has no love for mortals and a great thirst for chaos and power.
CLAIRE: But what’s he doing here?
LOUIE: I’m not sure I understand his aim. I’ve lost a number of agents trying to find out. What I do know is that he is collecting magical artifacts. Somehow he has managed to recruit a team of fae thieves and, with their aid, most of the better known magical items in the city (with the exception of the few I have in my own possession) have been gathered under his roof.
CLAIRE: And not just in the mortal realm. He has also orchestrated the theft of the crown of the King of the Realm of Light.
LOUIE: What madness is this? Does he want to start a war?
CLAIRE: Given the events of recent months I’m beginning to wonder if any of you don’t?
LOUIE: Explain!
CLAIRE: Alright. In the last few months, three different entities from the fae realms have attempted to destroy the covenant and bring about a new conflict: Jack Frost, the Pan, and the Winter Queen.
LOUIE: And you would know this because?
CLAIRE: I’m friends with the current mortal Protector of the Covenant.
LOUIE: Interesting. I’m still not sure how this all fits together. But if one of us was actively in the business of starting a war, the Puck would certainly fit the bill.
CLAIRE: Who’s powerful enough to stop him?
LOUIE: Not many — I’ve avoided open conflict with him for that reason: the Protectors of the Covenant, of course, and the royal families, Oberon, Titania, Mab, Finyarra. No one else, really. But Puck’s never taken an interest in politics before.
CLAIRE: If that’s the case then he’s off to an exceptional start for a beginner. He’s already taken one protector off the board and got the other two fighting between themselves. The royal houses have been thrown into disarray by successfully casting suspicion upon the Queen of Darkness regarding the crown’s theft.
LOUIE: This is dire news. The balance must be restored.
CLAIRE: That much I understand. The real question is how?
LOUIE: You will need to gather evidence and bring it before either the covenant members or one of the royal family heads.
CLAIRE: That explains the instructions that were left with Tony. The Queen of Darkness is a clever old bird, isn’t she?
LOUIE: Don’t take offense at this… but you have no idea.
CLAIRE: It sounds like I’m going to need to get inside Puck’s headquarters in order to get the goods on him.
LOUIE: And you won’t be able to do that without my help. Puck has wards surrounding the building he has adopted as his home. He knows immediately when anyone approaches.
CLAIRE: Damn. How do I keep getting into these situations?
LOUIE: The Queen obviously thinks you can do it or you wouldn’t have the pendant. As for getting in, I think I may be able to help you. I’ve got a glamor around here somewhere that should keep you hidden from the wards.
CLAIRE: (EXCITED) Like invisibility?
LOUIE: No. You won’t be invisible. But the wards won’t detect you. He won’t know you are coming.
CLAIRE: (SUSPICIOUS) Did your other agents get this far?
LOUIE: I didn’t try sneaking them in if that’s what you’re asking. I sent them in as honest brokers to see if we could reach a deal. (BEAT) As it turns out, we couldn’t.
CLAIRE: Okay, hit me.
SOUND: [33] SMACK OF A HAND ACROSS THE FACE — LET IT FINISH.
CLAIRE: (OUTRAGED) Ow. You knew what I meant… and hey, the pendant didn’t protect me this time.
LOUIE: Yes, that’s right. The invitation came from your own lips and I don’t pass up opportunities like that when they arise. It is in my nature. Besides, I don’t like you. You are putting my entire livelihood at risk. Consider that a warning. (BEAT) Ah, here is the glamor.
CLAIRE: (VERY UNIMPRESSED) Hmmm. You fae do like your jewelry, don’t you? Is that a bracelet?
LOUIE: Yes. Bring it back to me when this is over. Your friend will be waiting for you.
CLAIRE: And if I don’t make it?
LOUIE: I will consider him a fair exchange for the loss of the bracelet.
TULLY: (INCREASINGLY AGITATED) Mmmf. MMMMF! MMMMMMMMF!
CLAIRE: It’s alright, Tully. I’ll be back soon. I promise. (TO LOUIE) Give me the bracelet. I’d better get going.
LOUIE: (LAUGHING) I like your spirit even if I do find you personally repulsive. Good luck.
MUSIC: [4] (BRIDGE) OMINOUS SCENE ENDER — LET IT FINISH.

SCENE 9: EXT. TO INT. — PUCK’S HEADQUARTERS — LATER (CLAIRE, PUCK)

SOUND: [8] (WALLA) STREET NOISES, OCCASIONAL CARS, ETC. — ESTABLISH AND UNDER.
CLAIRE: (NARRATING) The apartment building was small and ugly. The glamor seemed to be working because nothing had leaped out at me yet. I had to keep reminding myself why I was putting myself through all this. Yeah, preventing the destruction of the city was motivating, but that was hearsay from Fergus — and he was dead. Tony, on the other hand, was very much alive, and he let himself get tortured to get me out of a jam not so long ago. The least I could do is return the favor. I’d been in tight jams before, but it didn’t get much worse than dealing with these supernatural types. Get inside and get undercover fast. That was the plan. What could possibly go wrong?…
SOUND: DOOR OPENS FOLLOWED BY A BEAT OR THREE THEN SHUTS BLOCKING OUT THE STREET NOISES — LET IT FINISH.
SOUND: [9] (WALLA) PUCK CHANTING THE TAIL END OF A SPELL — FADE IN AND REMAIN UNDER.
CLAIRE: (NARRATING) I was almost too shocked by the interior of the building to hide. Aside from the door standing behind me, the walls and ceiling had disappeared. Instead of the gutted building, I was expecting I stood in a rough and cratered wasteland. It looked like the epicenter of a major bomb blast. In the distance around the edges stood the remains of city buildings; ruins partially reclaimed by nature. At its very center was a stone chair around which a group of about fifteen faeries cavorted and danced in a disturbing cavalcade of misformed limbs and weird animalistic heads. Standing on the chair itself was, I assumed, the Puck. He looked like a small and savage warrior king from a time barely removed from the Stone Age. I took the opportunity to hide behind a small pile of rubble while the inhabitants appeared distracted and began listening in.
PUCK: (FADE UP CHANTING) And so it is done. The spell is ready. All the artifacts except the crown have been fused to the machine. We will be able to make the illusion around us reality once that final piece is in place. Jack Frost may have failed to obtain the sword, and Pan’s attempt at merging human and fae technology may have failed also, but the combination of magic and technology they were working toward has, nonetheless, borne fruit beyond my imagining. A human bomb powered by the energy of the magical items we have collected will be powerful enough to destroy the bridge between the realms, cutting us off from the fae for all time. The pulse of energy created by the explosion will not only render the world free of the fae, it will also destroy all of humanity’s most sophisticated technology. Then this plane will be ours for the taking. Trevelyana Masreskega!
SOUND: [30] MAGICAL CHIME — LET IT FINISH.
CLAIRE: (STAGE WHISPER) Damn. The building is fading back in. I think I’m too late.
PUCK: Ah, Miss Templeton. How nice of you to visit. You can come out now. I’ve been expecting you.
CLAIRE: And I suppose I was supposed to see all that.
PUCK: Actually no. I must admit to being a little embarrassed by your timing. But never mind, you can still serve a purpose. I’ve been watching you, Miss Templeton, and you and that dratted detective have been getting in my hair quite regularly.
CLAIRE: Is that so. Have you forgotten whose world it is you’ve been messing with?
PUCK: Nice try. But you were unaware of my part in recent history until, well, almost this very moment.
CLAIRE: Doesn’t change my point. If you didn’t want mortals sticking their noses in your business you should have kept it out of their realm.
PUCK: Feisty. I can see I did well not to underestimate you.
SOUND: [30] MAGICAL CHIME — LET IT FINISH.
SOUND: [28] MANY LOCKS CLICKING SHUT — LET IT FINISH.
PUCK: (ALMOST APOLOGETICALLY) A precaution, I’m afraid. I can’t have you running off now, can I? At least not before I kill you.
CLAIRE: [CUE] Hang on, let’s not be too hasty about this. Maybe I have a deal for you.
PUCK: And what could you possibly have that I might want, hmmm? I think you’re just trying to put off the inevitable.
CLAIRE: Well, you know what they say? Where there’s life there’s hope. (WEAK LAUGH)
PUCK: Pathetic! Minions, seize her!
CLAIRE: (DESPERATE) I know where the sword is.
PUCK: Stop! (BEAT) Which sword?
CLAIRE: You know which sword. The mortal Covenant Protector has been arrested. His sword is unprotected and I know where it is.
PUCK: And you’d get it for me? Willingly? Why?
CLAIRE: Well, you were about to kill me. It seemed like the best bargaining chip I had.
PUCK: True enough — you know I can smell lies, don’t you? I sometimes forget just how precious you mortals find life. A function of it being so short, I imagine. But you must know I could drag that knowledge from you myself.
CLAIRE: True, but it would take time. And I’m betting you’re in a hurry. You’ve missed the sword once. Do you really want to miss it again? And I’m willing to go get it… if you let me go.
PUCK: You don’t actually know what I want it for, do you?
CLAIRE: No.
PUCK: And you don’t really care so long as I let you go?
CLAIRE: Oh I care. I just figure I’m better off not knowing.
PUCK: Clever girl. And honest answers all. Alright, but I’m sending a pair of my dogs with you… just to be sure.
SOUND: [30] MAGICAL CHIME — LET IT FINISH.
SOUND: [20] LOW GROWLS AS TWO DOGS BECOME AUDIBLE — LET IT FINISH.
CLAIRE: (NARRATING) I watched as two of Puck’s dancing minions transformed into huge black wolf-like dogs.
PUCK: Easy, boys! Accompany her wherever she goes. Make sure she brings the sword back here. And don’t harm her so long as she does what we want.
SOUND: [21] TWO DEEP BARKS OF ASSENT — LET IT FINISH.
MUSIC: [4] (BRIDGE) OMINOUS SCENE ENDER — LET IT FINISH.

SCENE 10: INT. — TONY’S OFFICE — EARLY AFTERNOON (CLAIRE, DOGS, FRED).

SOUND: [24] DOOR OPENS, FEMALE FOOTSTEPS — LET IT FINISH.
CLAIRE: (NARRATING) The trip across town to Tony’s office was a nightmare. For one thing, I couldn’t catch a cab with the two monster dogs by my side, so we had to walk. For another, their growling jabber regarding how I would taste in a wine sauce if I tried to cheat them made concentrating a little tricky.
FRED: I see you’re back and you’ve brought a couple of friends.
CLAIRE: Heya, Fred. I seem to have gotten into a bit of a jam.
FRED: Looks like. Am I right in guessing they’re meant to strong-arm you into cooperating with the villain?
CLAIRE: That’s about the sum of it.
DOG #1: (IN A LOW GROWL) No talk. Get!
DOG #2: Yes. Remember wine sauce.
CLAIRE: I haven’t forgotten. It’s right about now, I wish I was an Apprentice Protector.
DOG #1: (SNORTS AND GROWLS) You be quiet.
CLAIRE: Yes, boss. C’mon, Fred, you’re coming with me.
FRED: (STAGE WHISPER) Are you ready to take on the role now?
CLAIRE: (STAGE WHISPER) Uh-huh.
FRED: (STAGE WHISPER) Are you sure?
CLAIRE: (STAGE WHISPER) Yeah, I’m accepting the job.
FRED: (STAGE WHISPER) Okay. Here goes.
SOUND: [30] MAGICAL CHIME — LET IT FINISH.
DOG #1: Hey, you feel that?
SOUND: [34] SWORD BEING DRAWN — LET IT FINISH.
DOG #2: She got sword. Bite now!
SOUND: [14] GROWL FOLLOWED BY BARK AND YELP.
CLAIRE: That’s one of you. Come on, who’s next. I could do this all day.
DOG #2: Think so? Me bite!
SOUND: [15] BARKS, SWORD SWINGS, AND YELP.
FRED: Not bad, toots! I gotta say you’re better at this than your boss. He just throws me at things.
CLAIRE: And how does that usually work out for him?
FRED: He’s still alive, but I have trouble believing it sometimes.
CLAIRE: I have trouble believing he can tie his shoes and remember to keep breathing at the same time.
FRED: Heh! Was that all of ’em?
SOUND: [16] MANY GROWLS NEAR BY — ESTABLISH AND UNDER.
CLAIRE: (VERY NERVOUS) Apart from the eight or so others that are now standing in the hall and doorway? Yeah sure.
FRED: I’m not sure we can deal with that many at once.
CLAIRE: Wells always said you were a little ray of sunshine. Is there anything else I can try?
FRED: You could leap out the window and fall six stories to your death.
CLAIRE: (DARKLY) Right. I guess there’s nothing for it. (TO THE DOGS) Have at you.
SOUND: [17] BARKS, GROWLS AND HOWLS ALL HAPPENING AT ONCE.
MUSIC: [4] (BRIDGE) OMINOUS SCENE ENDER — LET IT FINISH.
MUSIC: [2] CLOSING THEME – LET IT FINISH.

CASTING SHEETS — MAJOR CHARACTERS

CASTING SHEETS — MINOR CHARACTERS

LEFTY LOUIE: Alright, so I’m an exiled fae. I’ve been hiding out in this world for centuries. And it suits me. Running black-market schemes allows me to make deals all the time. I’ve grown wealthy and powerful, and I get to have lots of fun at the expense of these puny mortals. My true identity is my greatest secret — and no, I’m not telling. It’s enough that you know I’m of the fae. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to do something about that. You already know more than I am comfortable with.

PROFESSOR WARD: What do you want! I’m too important and too busy for the likes of you! Of course, I treat my juniors with contempt. Respect is something you have to earn. People work harder when they’re scared and properly motivated with the right incentives. No, I don’t intend to deliver on my promises. Are you totally naive! This lot’ll be lucky if I don’t fire them.

LACKEY: I just does what the boss says. No, I’m not too smart but I can still deal with smart guys like you. Yeah, I’ve dealt with lots of smart guys like you.

DOG #1 AND #2: We are the faery minions of the Puck when in dog form. Our thoughts are basic. Kill, bite, eat, fetch. We can speak but only in simple words. Our minds slow down in dog form.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Philip Craig Robotham grew up in a house full of books and has held numerous jobs as a teacher, computer programmer, graphic and web designer, e-learning consultant and, most recently, writer. He currently lives in Sydney, Australia with his wife and two sons. When he was younger and fitter he enjoyed martial arts, but in recent years his hobbies have tended towards more sedate fare (board games, movies, books, and role-playing games).

He is extremely grateful for the encouragement he receives from his biggest fans — his wife and two boys — all of whom read and enjoy his scripts and in general make his life worth living.

You can contact the author regarding performance rights (or simply to say hello) through his website: https://weirdworldstudios.com.

Don’t forget to check out the free sample portions of our titles at https://weirdworldstudios.com/product-category/our-products/.

On the Fence

The post On the Fence – Episode Three – The Dogs of War appeared first on Host Your Own Old Time Radio Drama.

On the Fence – Episode 2 – Paths Asunder

Philip Robotham — Fri, 01 Jul 2016 23:48:27 +0000

Below we present the complete text of ‘Paths Asunder’; episode 2 of On the Fence.

Fantasy Noir – FN004 – On the Fence

Parental Guidance Recommended: May contain content some parents may feel is inappropriate for younger children

ON THE FENCE

EPISODE #2 – PATHS ASUNDER

by Philip Craig Robotham

Cover Illustration by Miyukiko

Edited by Margaret Wilkins

Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial No Derivatives (CC BY-NC-ND 4.0) Edition.

CC by-nc-nd 4.0

Other works by this author can be found at the author’s website: https://weirdworldstudios.com or through select, online book retailers.

Serial #4: On the Fence

Claire Templeton, crime reporter, often wonders what she sees in her boyfriend, Tully Bing.

PATHS ASUNDER

CAST LIST

TONY WELLS: Private Detective

CLAIRE TEMPLETON: Crime Reporter

FRED: The Magical Sword

FINBARRA: The Covenant Guardian of Darkness

EBERON: The Covenant Guardian of Light

OBERON: High King of the Light Realm

TITANIA: High Queen of the Light Realm

SYLVAESTRON (STINK): A faery of the wee folk of darkness

PROFESSOR WARD: Tully’s boss

SFX: SFX operator (1 required)

SCENE 4: INT. — THE COURT OF OBERON, HIGH KING OF THE FAE REALM OF LIGHT — IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING (TONY, FRED, OBERON, TITANIA, EBERON, FINBARRA, CHORUS)

MUSIC: OPENING THEME – LET IT FINISH.
NARRATOR: Private Detective, Tony Wells, has been hired by the Queen of the fae Realm of Darkness to clear her name with regard to a crime she claims she didn’t commit. Meanwhile, his occasional partner, Claire Temepleton – Crime Reporter, was trying to get his assistance looking into the death of one of her contacts when he vanished in front of her eyes.
SOUND: [30] MAGICAL CHIME — LET IT FINISH.
SOUND: [7] (WALLA) MURMURING OF FAE NOBILITY IN THE FAERY COURT — ESTABLISH AND UNDER.
TONY: Fred, what just happened?
FRED: Oh, that’s right. You’ve never been summoned under the stipulations of the covenant before. In the past, you’ve been the one doing the summoning so you haven’t experienced it from this side. We’re in the courtroom of the palace of Oberon and Titania, High King and Queen of the fae Realm of Light.
TONY: You mean this is how it works? I get zapped off somewhere without any say in it, the moment a summons comes in?
FRED: That’s about the size of it, boss. If it’s any consolation, Eberon and Finbarra are bound by the same deal. See they’re here as well.
TONY: No wonder they were cheesed off last time. You could be doing anything…
OBERON: Welcome, honored guests, to the court of Oberon and Titania, High King and Queen of the fae Realm of Light. I have summoned you into our august presence to deal with a matter of some considerable import.
FRED: (STAGE WHISPER) Aw hell!
TONY: What?
FRED: Oberon’s crown is missing!
OBERON: This matter is one which threatens the dignity of our entire realm. As you can see, the crown, which acts as sign and warrant of our right to rule in this realm, has been taken. A nearly impossible task and an unforgivable insult. One which, if it is not rectified, can only result in war and a breaking of the covenant that has so long held the realms in balance.
CHORUS: (SHOCKED MURMURS FROM LISTENING NOBILITY)
TONY: These guys would go to war over a hat?
FRED: You betcha!
OBERON: I have summoned the Covenant Protectors here to enlist their aid in recovering the crown and punishing the perpetrators of this crime!
TITANIA: Oh, for goodness sake. It seems that the longer you live the more ridiculous this penchant of yours for speeches gets! We know who took the crown. Have them at it!
OBERON: (WEARILY) Titania, must you always interrupt. There are formalities and protocols that must be observed.
TITANIA: Nonsense! I’ll bet the mortal wants you to get to the point. After all, mortal lives are too short for your speechifying.
OBERON: Titania…
TITANIA: At least tell them who did it!
OBERON: I apologize for Queen Titania, dear guests. The seriousness of this matter makes her more impatient by the hour. (BEAT) It is true that we have our suspicions…
TITANIA: (SNORTS DERISIVELY) Hmpf!
OBERON: …but, as the evidence all points to someone of singular importance, this revelation must be handled with delicacy.
TITANIA: Oh, for goodness sake… it was Mab! Stop acting as though we need to tread lightly around that unpredictable cow. We’ve been treading softly for the last millennia and, if anything, she’s more insane than ever.
OBERON: Whatever else can be said about your sister — and I’m the first to admit that her thought processes are murky at best —
TITANIA: (DERISIVE) Ha!
OBERON: she has never given the slightest indication of insanity. Extraordinary deviousness, yes. But insanity? No.
FINBARRA: My Lord Oberon, Queen Mab is my mother. She has always been ambitious, and she enjoys mayhem, but I cannot believe she would risk breaking the covenant. After all, she convinced my father, against his better judgment, to sign the covenant in the first place.
OBERON: We are aware of the history, Prince Finbarra, we were there after all. And, the hasty words of Titania notwithstanding, we do NOT make a formal accusation against your mother at this time. We do ask that the Covenant Protectors investigate this matter.
TONY: Your Majesty, if I might…
FRED: Boss, no! This isn’t the…
OBERON: Speak, mortal. Our court recognizes you.
TONY: Er, right! Um… Mab believes that she is being framed… er, set up to appear the villain… and…
OBERON: And how would you know this?
TONY: She came to my office this morning and…
TITANIA: Your office? In the mortal realm?
TONY: Er… that’s right. And she hired me to look…
CHORUS: (SHARP INTAKES OF BREATH ALL ROUND).
TONY: …into this for her.
FRED: Here it comes…
TITANIA: You imbecile. You allowed yourself to be bound to Mab’s cause?
TONY: What? No, I merely agreed…
OBERON: Your neutrality is now suspect. Instead of being able to bring the power of the three swords to bear on this matter, we are now down to two.
TONY: Now hang on a minute…
TITANIA: This changes everything. She has successfully neutralized one of her opponents. Why would she do this if she were not guilty?
TONY: But…
OBERON: Silence!
SOUND: [30] MAGICAL CHIME. LET IT FINISH.
TONY: (MUFFLED) Mmpf. Mmm. Mmmpf.
OBERON: You have violated the pact of neutrality. Until this matter is resolved you will remain bound in this castle. (BEAT) Eberon?
EBERON: Yes, father?
OBERON: I expect you to pursue this matter with impartiality and thoroughness.
EBERON: Yes, father.
FINBARRA: (INTERRUPTING) The enmity between your house and my mother is well known, Your Majesty. How can I be sure this is not some scheme to discredit her for your own purposes.
OBERON: You forget your place, Finbarra. As a guest in my house, you have no right to accuse…
FINBARRA: I do not accuse, Your Majesty. I merely investigate. Much as I hate to admit it, the mortal would have proved useful as an impartial third party in this matter. As it is, you have arrested him. It does not take a genius to see what advantage might accrue to your side if this is, as circumstances suggest, some form of scheme on the part of the Realm of Light?
EBERON: How dare you! If your mother had not sought to hire him, the mortal would still be in play.
OBERON: Enough. It is clear that the two of you cannot work together under these circumstances. Investigate separately then… but the mortal will remain here.
(TO TONY) By virtue of this breach of neutrality, mortal, you are hereby bound in silver chains until this matter is resolved. You are relieved of all warrants, benefits, and privileges that accrue to a duly appointed Protector of the Covenant.
Now, tell us. Where can we find Mab?
TONY: Mmff. mm. mmmmfff.
OBERON: Oh, of course!
SOUND: [30] MAGICAL CHIME — LET IT FINISH.
OBERON: There. Let’s try again. Where’s Mab?
TONY: Go to hell!
OBERON: Tsk. Tsk. You are making a mistake by defying me, mortal. Without your role to protect you, you are just another insignificant human in my realm. I can do with you as I wish… but Titania has always been the more persuasive of us. I think I’ll leave it up to her to gain Mab’s location from you.
TITANIA: Oh darling, a present? How delicious.
TONY: Why you. I never asked for this. Both of you can go and …
SOUND: [30] MAGICAL CHIME — LET IT FINISH.
TITANIA: Enough of that! There’ll be plenty of time for talk… when you stop screaming.
OBERON: And as for you, sword. I am sending you back to your secure place of refuge to await the outcome of these matters. Be gone!
FRED: But…
SOUND: [30] MAGICAL CHIME — LET IT FINISH.
MUSIC: [4] (BRIDGE) OMINOUS SCENE ENDER — LET IT FINISH.

SCENE 5: INT. — TONY’S OFFICE — EARLY EVENING (TONY, CLAIRE, FRED)

SOUND: [30] MAGICAL CHIME — LET IT FINISH.
CLAIRE: Just in time. I was about to give up waiting for you and leave. (BEAT) Hey, where’s Wells?
FRED: He’s been arrested.
CLAIRE: He’s what?
FRED: He’s been arrested. You know, he’s banged up, been sent up the river, locked in the hoosegow, dining on bread and water, doing stir…
CLAIRE: Yeah, yeah. I get it. But what for?
FRED: Well, you know how Mab just hired him to clear her name?
CLAIRE: Yeah?
FRED: Well, Tony and the other Covenant Protectors were summoned to Oberon’s court. You do know who Oberon is, right, kid?
CLAIRE: Don’t get fresh.
FRED: Anyway, Oberon wants Mab investigated for stealing his crown and your idiot friend, Wells, lets out that he’s just been hired by Mab to clear her. Bang. He’s locked up for violatin’ his neutrality quicker’n you can shout “cruel and unusual.”
CLAIRE: (ALARMED) But we’ve got to get him back. The mortal realm is in danger.
FRED: You think I don’t know that? They banished me back here before I could get a word in edgeways. It’s just as well Tony keeps me propped in the corner most times or I wouldn’t be here to even have this conversation.
CLAIRE: But you can still communicate with the other Covenant Protectors, right? I mean, you can let them know what’s going on?
FRED: Uh, uh, sister. I can only be wielded by a protector and Tony’s currently in another universe (or as good as).
CLAIRE: What am I going to do?
FRED: Well, that’s an interesting question. One I don’t think you’ll like the answer to.
CLAIRE: Go on.
FRED: Mab’s incredibly devious, even by fae standards. She left specific instructions that you be given that pendant on the table… which I see you have yet to pick up.
CLAIRE: You don’t think I’ve had enough experience of faeries to NEVER take what they offer, ever again?
FRED: Fair enough, but you’ll remember that Tony was given assurances by Mab that accepting this gift would not place you under any obligation to her and that it would aid you in sorting this mess out.
CLAIRE: You think this is what she meant?
FRED: Ahuh. And I’ll tell you this much for nothin’, too. From what I saw going on between the fae realms, and with Tony out of the way, you’re pretty much the only game in town. If you don’t figure this out, then no one will.
CLAIRE: Just great! (BEAT) (TO HERSELF) Okay, here goes. I’m going to pick the pendant up. There’s nothing too scary about a pendant, right? So I’m going to pick it up and nothing’s going to happen. Yup, I’m going to pick it up… right…now!
SOUND: [30] MAGICAL CHIME — LET IT FINISH.
SYLVAESTRON: (IN A TINY PIPING VOICE) Behold, mortal, it is I, Sylvaestron. Kneel before me and cower!
CLAIRE: (LONG BEAT) What the hell are you?
SYLVAESTRON: (WRONG-FOOTED) Let me try that again…
SOUND: [30] MAGICAL CHIME — LET IT FINISH.
SYLVAESTRON: (BEAT) Behold, mortal, it is I, Sylvaestron. Look on me and writhe in terror! (BEAT) Are you quivering, mortal?
CLAIRE: Afraid not. Slightly nauseated, perhaps, but hardly quivering.
SYLVAESTRON: Nauseated, huh? I guess I can work with that. You’re feeling some fear deep in the pit of your stomach and it’s turning you…
CLAIRE: No. I simply mean you smell… bad!
FRED: Stink? Stink Sylvaestron? Is that you?
SYLVAESTRON: Aw, damn. And it was going so well. (TO THE SWORD) Hiya, Sword. I didn’t expect to see you here. I heard you got a new owner. What are they calling you these days? Silverbright? Spirit Cleanser? Something like that?
FRED: That was my last owner. This time I’m called Fred.
SYLVAESTRON: Fred? You’re kidding?
FRED: Mortals! What can I say? (TO CLAIRE) Uh, Claire, this is Stink, I mean Sylvaestron — she’s a pollution faery.
CLAIRE: She’s a what?
SYLVAESTRON: (WITH WOUNDED DIGNITY) A pollution faery. I used to be a nature sprite but a mining company got into my region of the mortal realm.
FRED: Some sections of the fae community are more connected to the mortal realm than others. Nature sprites tend to reflect the way that their associated area of mortal land is being treated. Stink went toxic a few years back.
CLAIRE: I’m sorry.
SYLVAESTRON: Don’t be. I’ve been hoping that with time I’d stop looking so disgusting and start looking more… scary — you know, like those machines with their sharp digging teeth, etc. As it is I’m still more sludge than steel.
CLAIRE: Uhuh. (BEAT) Why exactly are you here?
SYLVAESTRON: Oh yeah. I owed Mab a favor. I have to give aid to whoever is carrying the pendant — up till now, that’s been Mab.
CLAIRE: Some favor. Were you locked in that pendant?
SYLVAESTRON: Do I look like something you’d find locked in a pendant?
CLAIRE: Actually you look like something I’d find locked in an S-bend.
SYLVAESTRON: (INSULTED) Very funny. Ha Ha! Pick on the pollution faery, why don’t you. Just ’cause you don’t smell of raw sewage, and instead, carry around the scent of disgusting flowers and stuff.
CLAIRE: (TO FRED) Is she quite the full deck?
FRED: Not remotely. She’s been bound to the pendant since she tried to turn Mab’s pet ice-wolves into stomach worms as a gift.
SYLVAESTRON: The palace just didn’t seem to have enough slime, is all. I still don’t see what all the fuss was about.
CLAIRE: And this is what Mab leaves to help me? Are you sure Mab’s the full deck?
FRED: No comment!
CLAIRE: Alright, better get this show on the road. I’m going to pick up Tully and we’re going to see what we can learn about this trade in magical do-dads. I have a feeling that all of this connects to the stolen crown somehow and the sooner I find the crown the better.
FRED: What about me? You’re not going to just leave me here, are you?
CLAIRE: Yeah, I am. At least for now. If Tony manages to come back I think it would be best if you were here to greet him. Besides I thought you can only be wielded by the “one and only” Protector of the Covenant.
FRED: Yeah, but there is a way you could wield me.
CLAIRE: What’s that?
FRED: Become an Apprentice Protector.
CLAIRE: This again?
FRED: He offered you the job with his own lips — even if he did think he was joking — and the terms are pretty straightforward. You agree to take up the sword if anything happens to the boss and you become an Apprentice Protector. He trains you and…
CLAIRE: Wait, Wells would become something like my boss?
FRED: Yup! He could order you around. Make you fetch coffee etc. And in exchange he’d train you to do his job for him.
CLAIRE: (BEAT)
FRED: What? It’s not so bad. It’s what all the others did.
CLAIRE: I’m taking a raincheck. Besides, doesn’t Wells have to be here or something?
FRED: No one had to be there when he took up the sword, did they?
CLAIRE: I’m assuming that was a special circumstance. But while you’re on the topic, why didn’t the other guy have an apprentice?
FRED: Oh, he did. Three in fact.
CLAIRE: What happened to them?
FRED: All dead! Being an Apprentice Covenant Protector is pretty risky. There were none left when my old master finally bit the dust.
CLAIRE: (BEAT) Right, I’m out of here. (TO SYLVAESTRON) And as for you, Stink, jump back in the pendant for now. I’ll call you if I need you.
SYLVAESTRON: Sure thing, boss.
MUSIC: [3] (BRIDGE) NEUTRAL SCENE ENDER — LET IT FINISH.
MUSIC: [2] CLOSING THEME – LET IT FINISH.

CASTING SHEETS — MAJOR CHARACTERS

CASTING SHEETS — MINOR CHARACTERS

OBERON: I am the ruler of the Realm of Light. I love order, protocol, and ceremony. After so many eons of existence, they bring me comfort in an otherwise constantly changing universe. I am the dusk to my wife’s dawn.

TITANIA: I am Titania, Queen of the Realm of Light. I am impatient and love new things. Change is my friend. The only thing I don’t like is my sister, Mab. She is a conniving cow and cannot be trusted. If the balance did not have to be maintained I would attempt to be rid of her once and for all, and consequences be damned.

EBERON: I am Eberon, Protector of the Covenant, and son to Oberon, high king and lord of all the light realms of the fae. Perhaps you have heard of me. Even in the mortal realm, my father’s name is still known — if only because of that English bard. My fate is bound to the protection of the covenant between the dark, light, and mortal realms. For thousands of years, the covenant has kept the animosity between our various peoples in check. A new and inexperienced mortal protector has now taken up the mantle as well. What this means for us all is hard to say.

FINBARRA: I am Finbarra, Protector of the Covenant, and son to Finyarra, high king and lord of all the dark realms of the fae. I care not whether you have heard of me any more than I care what a mortal’s opinion is on any matter at all. Like Eberon, my fate is bound to the protection of the covenant between the dark, light, and mortal realms. Unlike Eberon, I chafe under the restrictions that this places upon me. For thousands of years the covenant has kept the animosity between our various peoples in check, and now a new and inexperienced mortal protector has taken up the mantel. The moment is rife with opportunity but for now, I will wait and watch.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

He is extremely grateful for the encouragement he receives from his biggest fans — his wife and two boys — all of whom read and enjoy his scripts and in general make his life worth living.

You can contact the author regarding performance rights (or simply to say hello) through his website: https://weirdworldstudios.com.

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On the Fence

The post On the Fence – Episode 2 – Paths Asunder appeared first on Host Your Own Old Time Radio Drama.

On the Fence – Episode 1 – Immortal Visitor

Philip Robotham — Fri, 24 Jun 2016 23:41:08 +0000

Below we present the complete text of ‘Immortal Visitor’; episode 1 of On the Fence.

Fantasy Noir – FN004 – On the Fence

Parental Guidance Recommended: May contain content some parents may feel is inappropriate for younger children

ON THE FENCE

EPISODE #1 – IMMORTAL VISITOR

by Philip Craig Robotham

Cover Illustration by Miyukiko

Edited by Margaret Wilkins

Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial No Derivatives (CC BY-NC-ND 4.0) Edition.

CC by-nc-nd 4.0

Other works by this author can be found at the author’s website: https://weirdworldstudios.com or through select, online book retailers.

Serial #4: On the Fence

Claire Templeton, crime reporter, often wonders what she sees in her boyfriend, Tully Bing.

Episodes in the Host Your Own “Old Time Radio Drama” series are designed to provide a fun dinner party experience for 6–8 participants. Read along, taking on the role of one or more of the characters in the story, and listen as the exciting drama unfolds. This is the theatre of the mind, where the special effects are only limited by your imagination, and your participation will build a memory that you’ll treasure for years to come.

ON THE FENCE

CAST LIST

TONY WELLS: Private Detective

CLAIRE TEMPLETON: Crime Reporter

FRED: The Magical Sword

MAB: High Queen of the Dark Realm

TULLY BING: Cartographer and researcher (current boyfriend to Claire)

FERGUS THE FENCE: Small-time purveyor of stolen goods

SFX: SFX operator (1 required)

ACT 1

SCENE 1: INT. — CROWDED CAFETERIA — MORNING (TULLY, CLAIRE)

MUSIC: [1] OPENING THEME — LET IT FINISH.
SOUND: [5] (WALLA) BREAKFAST NOISES IN A CROWDED CAFÉ — ESTABLISH AND UNDER.
CLAIRE TEMPLETON: (NARRATING) As a crime reporter, accustomed to lots of night work, I tend not to be categorized, by those who know me, as a morning person. For that reason, meeting my “boyfriend” — and you gotta believe me when I say I hate that word — at the university cafeteria first thing in the morning was not something I was accustomed to doing. It helped that the morning edition had a nice “by Claire Templeton, Crime Reporter” byline underneath its main headline.
TULLY BING: Thanks for coming at such short notice, honey.
CLAIRE TEMPLETON: Honey?
TULLY: I was trying it on for size.
CLAIRE: Tully Bing, how long have we been seeing each other now?
TULLY: (NERVOUS) A couple of months.
CLAIRE: A couple of months. And in all that time, have I ever given you even the slightest reason to believe that Ma Templeton’s eldest daughter, Claire, is the sort of girl to encourage the application of “cute” pet names to herself?
TULLY: Well, no. Not as such.
CLAIRE: Not as such, no. (BEAT) I’d suggest then, that if you don’t want me to break each and every one of those soft academic fingers of yours, you don’t ever try and do that again.
TULLY: But…
CLAIRE: No buts. What am I here for this morning?
TULLY: Dammit, Claire, why can’t we have anything normal about our relationship?
CLAIRE: (ADMIRING) Tully Bing! That almost sounded assertive!
TULLY: Sorry, it’s just that…
CLAIRE: And then you go spoiling it with an apology. Damn, but I don’t know what I’m doing here with you.
TULLY: (BITTERLY) Me neither.
CLAIRE: (MORE GENTLY) Look, precious…
TULLY: And that’s another thing, you use names for me all the time.
CLAIRE: Oh for crying out… You know, you’ve got a really unattractive tendency to whine, kid?
(BEAT AS CLAIRE GIVES IN AND EXPLAINS) From me a pet name is cute. From you, it’s possessive and proprietary… and you can guess how things’ll turn out if you start getting possessive and proprietary, can’t you?
TULLY: (SLIGHTLY SULKING) Yeah, heaven forbid I should want to have you to myself?
CLAIRE: (IMPATIENTLY CHANGING THE TOPIC) Just tell me why I’m here, already?
TULLY: Aside from me just wanting to see you?
CLAIRE: (WARNINGLY) Tully!
TULLY: Alright. You know how things have gotten a little strange since that business with the troll?
CLAIRE: You’re getting pretty good at understatement there, sunshine… (BEAT) but is a point coming along any time soon?
TULLY: Well, I know you’ve been involved in a bunch of strange stuff since that business with the troll, but things have been getting weirder for me too.
CLAIRE: (PATRONIZING) Oh, Tully. Are you getting jealous? Is that what this is about? You know you don’t have to make things up to feel like you’re a part of my life.
TULLY: Claire, if you don’t shut up and let me get on with this…
CLAIRE: (SUDDENLY ALL BUSINESS) Alright, genius. Impress me.
TULLY: Ever since we came back from… well, from wherever that was, I’ve been able to find things.
CLAIRE: I’m sorry, what now?
TULLY: I can find things. Give me a map of the city and tell me you want something, and I can find it.
CLAIRE: Tully, honey, I don’t quite…
TULLY: Things I couldn’t possibly know the location of. I can find them if I have a map in front of me. Somehow I just know where they are.
CLAIRE: I’m still not sure I get…
TULLY: Look, you know how you told me your next story was going to be about the black market in stolen goods in the city?
CLAIRE: Yeah?
TULLY: Well, I know nothing about the black market, right? But look at this.
SOUND: [11] SOUND OF MAP BEING UNFOLDED ON THE TABLE — LET IT FINISH.
CLAIRE: Tully, are those what I think they are?
TULLY: Ahuh, that’s the location of every black-market front operation in town. And look here. See these two, sitting like spiders at the centre of a web. These two are the biggest operators in the city. Everything — and I mean everything — eventually makes its way through these two.
CLAIRE: (AMAZED) How did you?
TULLY: That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. I haven’t the foggiest. I mean, I’ve always been interested in maps. That’s why I do the research I do at the university — but this? I’ve got no explanation.
CLAIRE: But this is fantastic! This one here, the first big nexus. That’s Lefty Louie’s club. But this second one? I don’t know this one.
TULLY: That’s ’cause it’s new. Only recently set up.
CLAIRE: But how do you know that?
TULLY: It’s the patterns. I’m not sure how to explain it. This one over here, Lefty Louie’s, it’s well established, like a waterhole that game have been using regularly for years. This one, over here, is like a new water source that’s just appeared. It’s beginning to disrupt the old movement patterns but isn’t quite established and the patterns haven’t settled down yet.
CLAIRE: That’s brilliant! I’ve never seen anything like it.
TULLY: Doesn’t it bother you, even a little bit, that this ability isn’t natural?
CLAIRE: You’re kidding right? This could net me the biggest story of the year.
SOUND: [12] SOUND OF CHAIR PULLING BACK AND FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING — LET IT FINISH.
TULLY: Hey, where’re you going? You haven’t even finished breakfast.
CLAIRE: (AT A DISTANCE) No time. I’ve got to go set up a meeting with Fergus the Fence. It’s time to see what I can discover about the new player on the board.
TULLY: (BITTERLY) Just great!
MUSIC: [3] (BRIDGE) NEUTRAL SCENE ENDER — LET IT FINISH.

SCENE 2: EXT. — AN ALLEY IN ONE OF THE SEEDIER AREAS OF TOWN — LATER THAT MORNING (CLAIRE, FERGUS)

SOUND: [6] (WALLA) DISTANT TRAFFIC, A CAT BEING SCARED BY A FALLING TRASHCAN LID, ETC. — ESTABLISH AND UNDER.
CLAIRE: (NARRATING) There’s something nerve-racking enough about waiting in an alley for a contact to arrive and don’t get me wrong, it comes with the territory, but, when your contact is also twenty minutes late, I think you can be forgiven for feeling a little skittish.
(BEAT) I’d used all my feminine charms on Fergus to get him to cooperate in the first place, and, when that didn’t work, I’d threatened to tell the cops about the stolen goods in his warehouse. Fergus the Fence was a lot of things, but stupid wasn’t one of them and he’d agreed to help me out. But if this was a double-cross I could be in some serious trouble.
FERGUS THE FENCE: (OUT OF BREATH) Claire. Claire. You gotta help me!
CLAIRE: Fergus! What’s the matter?
FERGUS: That place you sent me. There’s something not right about it. It’s a front.
CLAIRE: Yeah, I know that, already. They fence stolen goods.
FERGUS: No. No. The fence is a front. They handle stolen goods alright, but that’s just a way of finding special items.
CLAIRE: What do you mean?
FERGUS: Claire, there’s no time. You gotta hide me!
CLAIRE: You’re not making sense, Fergus. What’s happened?
FERGUS: Look, I went there alright, like you said. It’s a big apartment building. From the outside, it looks abandoned. Inside it’s… well it’s opulent.
CLAIRE: Who’s been teaching you words like that?
FERGUS: I’m serious. This place was swish. I met the boss, a little guy — calls himself Mr. P. I made like I was there on business — I’d been thinking about visiting the joint since I’d heard they started operation anyways, so it wasn’t exactly a lie.
CLAIRE: So?
FERGUS: So they take me in and show me around. I’m impressed. He’s happy to take anything I bring him… but…
CLAIRE: But..?
FERGUS: Come on, Claire, can’t we get outta here? I already told you they’re after me… and sister, there’s something not right about ’em.
CLAIRE: Fergus, you’re fine. I need to know what you found out.
FERGUS: (STARTING TO SOUND MORE PANICKED) Aw, sheesh. Alright, but you gotta protect me, okay?
CLAIRE: Okay, calm down.
FERGUS: It was like this: they said they’d handle anything I brought ’em, but they was particularly interested in anything old or strange… artefacts Mr. P called ’em. If I came across anythin’ like that, he’d make it completely worth my while.
CLAIRE: And you thought that was a little strange?
FERGUS: Well, yeah, sort of. You know, I thought, maybe Mr. P has a thing for antiques, and maybe there was a way I could use this to my advantage.
CLAIRE: And…
FERGUS: Well, anyways… I’m walking out the door and nobody seems to be paying me any mind so I duck behind a partition. I figure I’ll see if I can pick up anything useful with a little eavesdropping…
(BEAT) Claire, these guys ain’t natural and I’m getting’ nervous. Can we please get outta here?
CLAIRE: (IMPATIENTLY) For crying out loud, Fergus, you’d be done by now if you’d just get to the point.
FERGUS: Look, I ain’t crazy, Claire! You gotta believe I’m telling you exactly what happened. I’d been hiding for just a few seconds when everything started turning pale and see-through like. Suddenly the partition is gone and I’m standing in this big gutted building. The employees are slowly turning into huge black dogs and Mr. P… Mr. P is turning green and shrinking into this goblin-like thing. I think they’s aliens or something. Anyway, Mr. P’s talking to one o’ the dogs about destroying the city when he looks up and sees me standin’ there without nothin’ to hide behind. I just ran. But he sent the dogs after me. They’ve been tracking me all over town.
C’mon, Claire, that’s everything I know. You’ve gotta help me.
SOUND: [13] DISTANT HOWLING — GETTING CLOSER — LET IT FINISH.
FERGUS: (ALMOST CRYING) You gotta do something. You gotta get me outta … urk (CHOKING NOISES).
CLAIRE: Fergus, are you okay?
FERGUS: (MORE CHOKING NOISES).
SOUND: [18] UNDER — FLAME, HISSING AND BUBBLING — UNTIL THE END OF THE NEXT DIALOG.
CLAIRE: (NARRATING) Fergus’ skin began to change color before my eyes. First, it went grey then black and began to flake away as if he was being burned from the inside out. He crumpled to the ground and began to dissolve completely until there was nothing left but a foul-smelling puddle on the ground.
SOUND: [19] LOW WOLF-LIKE GROWL — LET IT FINISH.
CLAIRE: (NARRATING) I looked up and saw a huge black shape at the entrance to the alley. It was black, shaggy, and wolf-like. It eyed me hungrily for a moment then turned and padded away. It was at this point that I decided I’d better enlist the aid of Tony Wells.
MUSIC: [4] (BRIDGE) OMINOUS SCENE ENDER — LET IT FINISH.

SCENE 3: INT. — OFFICE OF TONY WELLS, PRIVATE EYE —MORNING (TONY, MAB, CLAIRE, FRED)

TONY WELLS: [CUE] (NARRATING) They say it’s always darkest just before the dawn… and who am I to argue with the “it’s-half-full” crowd. After all, things often do have a way of working themselves out. But I’ve been at this job a little too long to believe, even remotely, that life brings along many happy endings. The revolving door of hapless spouses, hoping against hope that the one they love isn’t cheating on them; the roster of blackmail victims hoping to be rescued from potential scandal; even the occasional client wanting to discover the dirt on a business associate or their daughter’s latest suitor — all teach you one thing: that life is in no way fair, and that, while things do occasionally work out, they just as often don’t. Perhaps it’s just that the people who present themselves at the shabby office door of Tony Wells, Private Detective — depressingly few though they be — just aren’t being seen at their best. Maybe. To quote another of the “old wives” brigade, “you can’t always judge a book by its cover.” Anyway, the person who came knocking on my door next was about to test the truth of both those proverbs.
SOUND: [22] SHARP KNOCKING ON DOOR — LET IT FINISH.
TONY: Come in.
SOUND: [24] DOOR OPENS QUICKLY AND HIGH-HEELED SHOES ENTER —LET IT FINISH.
MAB: (IMPATIENTLY/IMPERIOUSLY) Mr. Wells? I want to hire you!
TONY: (NARRATING) I looked her over and immediately smelled money. Whoever this dame was, she was from the better end of town. Everything, from the tasteful angle of her hat, through the line of her elegant suit, to the exquisite gold wedding band on her finger, and the tips of her expensive shoes, screamed money. But at the same time, it all felt wrong.
(TO MAB) And what brings you to my humble offices this fine morning, Miss…
MAB: I already told you, Mr. Wells, or are you as stupid as you look? And it is Mrs, or hadn’t you noticed?
TONY: Yes, Ma’am, you’ve stated that you wish to hire me, but it is customary to get a little background before entering into a contract and you seem to be if you’ll pardon my saying so, a long way from your usual neighbourhood.
MAB: I see. (BEAT) I’m being set up, Mr. Wells. And, since the perpetrators of my distress are almost certainly grubby little individuals of low character, I thought I would find a grubby little individual of my own to even the odds, someone who is as happy to play as dirty as they are. Does that satisfy your need to know why I am at your particular door, Mr. Wells?
TONY: Not remotely, but we’ll let that pass for the moment. It’s my job, so I am willing to help, but only in so far as that help can be given legally. I don’t know what you’ve heard about me, but if you’re looking for a leg-breaker you’ve come to the wrong place.
MAB: Is that so? Well, perhaps I have heard wrong. But you needn’t worry about soiling what’s left of your conscience. I won’t be asking you to do anything contrary to your laws.
TONY: (NARRATING) “Your laws,” she said. That should have tipped me off to just how far out of town her neighbourhood was and, beautiful or not, I was more than half inclined to send her packing without even hearing her out. Sometimes I should listen to my hunches more closely.
(TO MAB) Alright, you’d best tell me why you are here and what you want.
MAB: Fair enough. My husband is a very powerful man and, like all powerful men, he has rivals, one in particular who is every bit his equal and opposite.
TONY: And I take it, this rival is the source of your distress?
MAB: You assume correctly. Some extremely valuable items were recently stolen from my husband’s rival. He is planning to make a formal accusation against me. I have no knowledge of where these items are, how they were obtained, or who has taken them. Despite this, I am assured he has strong evidence implicating me in the matter. This would seriously embarrass my husband and provide his rival with a significant advantage. I need you to find the thieves, return the stolen goods, and so clear my name.
TONY: And that name would be, Ma’am?
MAB: Are you such a fool? That name would be Mab, High Queen of the Realm of Darkness.
MUSIC: [42] (STING) OMINOUS MUSICAL ACCENT — LET IT FINISH.
TONY: [CUE] (NARRATING) I looked the High Queen of the Realm of Darkness over with something approaching terror. If Fred, my magical talking sword — and, yes, I’m being literal here —was correct, then my small office currently was host to one of the most powerful beings in existence, and one, moreover, with a reputation for cruelty and cold calculation that would make the Borgias blush. If even half the stories were true, I was in big trouble.
MAB: Well, Mr. Wells? Do we have a deal?
TONY: You want me to investigate the theft of artefacts from the fae realms. Do you have any idea where in the three realms they may have been taken?
MAB: Oh, I have a fair idea that the items are being sold here, in your own home city.
TONY: Sold. I see. So you want me to find the items and, hopefully, track down the culprits who stole them in order to prove your innocence?
MAB: (DECEPTIVELY MILD) That’s right.
TONY: And this rival of your husband…
MAB: Is Oberon, High King of the Realm of Light.
TONY: Sweet Christmas!
MAB: (MOCKING) You almost sound afraid, mortal.
TONY: That just shows I’m still sane.
MAB: Maybe you’re not such a fool as I thought. Will you take the job?
TONY: I guess I will. So long as you know you are only contracting me to attempt the task. I can’t guarantee I’ll get to the bottom of this mess for you, but I will try my best.
MAB: I would expect no less.
TONY: My usual fee is twenty-five dollars a day plus expenses. It’s traditional to pay a three-day retainer up front.
MAB: (AMUSED) That will not be a problem.
TONY: And I expect to be paid in the coin of the realm, not Leprechaun gold or anything that can’t be spent at the local drug store.
MAB: Yes, yes. I’m aware of the stipulations of your standard contract.
TONY: Alright then.
(NARRATING) I put my standard contract in front of her and we both signed it. When it was done she looked up at me with a disconcertingly predatory smile. Behind me, my sword, which had been propped in the corner of the room, fell over with a loud thud.
MAB: Before I go, I’d like you to pass this on to Claire Templeton, your reporter friend.
TONY: What is it?
MAB: Just a pendant. She can use it to summon me — once only — by calling my name three times.
TONY: What’s the catch?
MAB: (ICILY) Your impertinence is beginning to wear on me, mortal. I am not in the habit of explaining myself to such as you, but since it may prove helpful, I’ll give you to understand this much… A number of things have been set in motion that will place Miss Templeton in need of my aid. As this will serve my own purposes admirably she will not find herself placed under any obligation to me for receiving and using this gift. Does that satisfy?
TONY: Well enough.
MAB: (IMPERIOUSLY) Then I bid you farewell. I believe Miss Templeton has just entered your hallway.
SOUND: [30] MAGICAL CHIME — LET IT FINISH.
CLAIRE: (NARRATING) I’d just come up the stairs to the level which held Wells’ office. From the hallway, I saw the light under Tony’s door brighten to the point that I had to look away before it faded again into its usual pale daylight hues. I hurried forwards.
FRED: (ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR) Haven’t you been listening to anything I’ve been telling you, boss? You can’t try to make a deal with noble fae. They always get the better of it.
TONY: Well you were right here and I didn’t hear you giving any warnings. Some magical adviser you are.
FRED: She had me under a spell, you moron. I couldn’t warn you if I wanted to. But I’ve warned you enough before.
TONY: Aw, dammit.
SOUND: [2] KNOCKING ON DOOR. DOOR OPENS — LET IT FINISH.
CLAIRE: Hi, boys. Didya miss me?
TONY: (DRILY) Our last guest told me you’d be coming.
CLAIRE: It’s like that, is it? Well, I gotta say I miss the witty repartee. I’m feeling a little cheated here.
TONY: I was getting my morning scolding from the magical sword in the corner when we had ourselves a supernatural visitor. It’s taken the shine off things.
CLAIRE: Fair enough. I need to talk with you seriously anyway.
TONY: You know, Fred was telling me earlier that I can take an apprentice. Someone to take over the job if I get killed or incapacitated. Someone who can fetch me coffee and do my dry-cleaning etc. You wouldn’t happen to be looking for an opening, would you?
CLAIRE: There’s a quip I can’t quite remember that seems to provide an appropriate answer. Something about Satan skating to work? Do you know the one?
TONY: Hey, you wanted the banter.
CLAIRE: That was then. Now I want to get down to business.
TONY: Okay, shoot!
CLAIRE: (NARRATING) Ignoring the temptation to take the invitation literally I got down to business. I told Tony about my morning meetings with Tully and Fergus the Fence. By way of exchange, he told me about his own visitation. I was particularly interested when he informed me that Mab had mentioned my name and I watched apprehensively as Wells put the locket on the table between us.
(TO TONY) Do you think this is all connected?
TONY: The fae are as complicated in their political games as anything I’ve ever encountered. There are always wheels within wheels within plans with these guys so there’s no way to be sure. But it does look like there’s a connection and I figure Mab, at least, wants us to look into it.
CLAIRE: Isn’t this the kind of thing you’d normally bring the other Covenant Protectors in on? I mean an overheard threat to the existence of the mortal world by a magical creature of some sort etc.
TONY: Yeah, I guess it is? Fred, can you call in the cavalry?
FRED: I’m not sure I can.
TONY: What? Why not?
FRED: Well, you’ve bound yourself to Mab via contract. This kind of violates your neutrality and…
SOUND: [30] MAGICAL CHIME — LET IT FINISH.
CLAIRE: (NARRATING) Suddenly I was the only one in the room. Wells and the sword were gone.
MUSIC: [4] (BRIDGE) OMINOUS SCENE ENDER — LET IT FINISH.
MUSIC: [2] CLOSING THEME – LET IT FINISH.

CASTING SHEETS — MAJOR CHARACTERS

CASTING SHEETS — MINOR CHARACTERS

FERGUS THE FENCE: I’m just a little guy, you know? Not so important in the big scheme of things. I handle a little “misplaced” merchandise from time to time. Nothing too big. Mostly, I’m left alone. Never play in the big-boys’ pool. That’s my motto. It’ll only end in tears.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

He is extremely grateful for the encouragement he receives from his biggest fans — his wife and two boys — all of whom read and enjoy his scripts and in general make his life worth living.

You can contact the author regarding performance rights (or simply to say hello) through his website: https://weirdworldstudios.com.

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On the Fence

The post On the Fence – Episode 1 – Immortal Visitor appeared first on Host Your Own Old Time Radio Drama.