Basic Grammar for Audio Writers Part 4 - Style and Sentence Construction

Universal Style for Audio Writers

Strunk and White’s little pamphlet on style has been in use for decades and provides helpful principles for writers. Their guide is a classic and is full of useful advice. The advice should be followed judiciously, however. Sometimes characterisation requires us to break these rules (some characters are meant to be pompous, overly formal, wordy, or difficult to understand) but in general, unless you have a specific reason not to, the advice should be followed.

Use the active voice

Passive sentences are weak. Instead of a subject acting upon an object, the object is acted upon by the subject and the clarity and power of the sentence is lost.

Here is some passive dialog…

JIM: I was given another deadline by the boss.
BOB: Really? I was given one too.
JIM: I wonder if the same project was given to both of us?
BOB: Maybe. Projects are being handed out all over at the moment. Too many to be unrelated.

It communicates, but it lacks immediacy. Rewritten actively we get.

JIM: The boss gave me another deadline.
BOB: Really? Me too.
JIM: I wonder if he gave the same project to both of us?
BOB: Maybe. He’s been giving too many out for them to all be unrelated.

Remove small-talk and needless statements

Small talk and chat generally slows down and sucks the life out of dialog.

BOB: Hi Jim.
JIM: Hi Bob.
BOB: You heading over to Macey’s?
JIM: Yup.
BOB: The one on fourth again?
JIM: Nah. The one on seventh.
BOB: You don’t think they share their files?
JIM: If they do, I’ll get thrown out quick smart.
BOB: More likely they’ll call the cops.
Dropping the small talk and clarifications immediately improves this dialog.
BOB: You heading over to Macey’s again, Jim?
JIM: I’m hoping the different stores don’t share their files.
BOB: You know if they recognize you, they’ll call the cops, right?

Put statements in positive form

Negatives (indicated by the word “not”) weaken statements in dialog as well.

BOB: You’re not honest.
JIM: Sure. But you didn’t pay attention to my warning.
BOB: You’re warning wasn’t important. It didn’t even make sense.
JIM: Nah. You just don’t remember it.

In positive form the same dialog reads…

BOB: You lied.
JIM: Sure. But you ignored my warning.
BOB: It was pointless and confusing.
JIM: Nah. You just forgot it.

Use definite, specific, concrete and commonly understood words.

General, indefinite, abstract and unfamiliar words take the wind out of sentences.

JIM: Jack was disconsolate during the unfavourable weather.

Rewritten with more specific and familiar terms, the above sentence is greatly improved…

JIM: Jack was upset during the storm.

Preference short words over long

Long words slow the pace of a sentence and tend to make lines sound pompous.

Compare

JIM: I find brandy most efficacious for the alleviation of cerebral tribulation.

With

JIM: Brandy eases my mind.

Omit unnecessary words

It is almost always the case that written speech can be made shorter and given more punch through the removal of unnecessary words. Words that reflect characterisation are not unnecessary, but inefficient speech can always be tightened up without cheapening the characterisation. Shortness is not a goal in itself but, when writing dialog, the real aim is to make every word count.

There are lots of common phrases, easy to reproduce in our writing because we hear them so often, that should be discarded as soon as they are discovered.

Compare…

BOB: Why are you looking so sour?
JIM: It’s due to the fact that I hate cheese sandwiches.

With

BOB: Why are you looking so sour?
JIM: I hate cheese sandwiches.

Or compare

JIM: I want to talk about Maths because it is a subject which is close to my heart.

With

JIM: I want to talk about Maths because it is close to my heart.

Unnecessary words creep in as additions to phrases as well.

Compare

TOM: His story is a strange one.

With

TOM: His story is strange.

Phrases such as “who is”, “which was”, and the like are often unnecessary.

Compare

MICHAEL: Let me tell you about Jack, who is a member of the local police force.

With

MICHAEL: Let me tell you about Jack, a member of the local police force.

Construct short direct speeches

Creating a wall of text can be intimidating, even for the best of actors. Where possible, a writer should aim to break exposition up into shorter sections of speech.

In the film Charade (written by Peter Stone and directed by Stanley Donnen) the character of Mr. Bartholomew must deliver a long speech in a restaurant. Below is a reworked version of the speech delivered in one long block. Following that is the speech as it was delivered in the film.

SCENE: (INT) FRENCH RESTAURANT (EARLY EVENING)
(REGINA, BARTHOLOMEW)
SOUND: RESTAURANT AMBIANCE (CLINKING CUTTLERY, CROCKERY, ETC. PEOPLE SPEAKING LOW) – ESTABLISH AND UNDER.
SOUND: FRENCH ACCORDIAN MUSIC – UNDER
REGINA: (SCARED) Mr. Bartholomew: what is all this about?
BARTHOLOMEW: (TALKING IN A SLOW CONFIDENTIAL TONE) In nineteen fourty-four, five members of the O.S.S.- the military espionage unit – were ordered behind German lines for the purpose of delivering two hundred and fifty thousand dollars in gold to the French underground. The five men were, of course, your husband Charles; the three men who showed up at his funeral yesterday; and Carson Dyle.
Instead of delivering the gold, they stole it by burying it then reporting that the Germans had captured it. All they had to do was come back after the war, dig it up, split it five ways. Quarter of a million dollars with no questions asked.
Everything went smoothly enough until after the gold was buried. Then, before they could get out they were ambushed by a German patrol. A machine gun separated Scobie from his right hand, caught Carson Dyle full in the stomach.
Carson Dyle was dead but Scobie was able to travel, so the others finally got back to the base and waited for the war to end, only Charles couldn’t wait quite as long as the others. He beat them back to the gold, took everything for himself, and disappeared. It’s taken Gideon, Tex and Scobie all this time to catch up with him again.
REGINA: (DISTRESSED) But if they stole all that money, why can’t you arrest them?

Here is the version of the speech as scripted and delivered in the film…

SCENE: (INT) FRENCH RESTAURANT (EARLY EVENING)
(REGINA, BARTHOLOMEW, WAITER)
SOUND: RESTAURANT AMBIANCE (CLINKING CUTTLERY, CROCKERY, ETC. PEOPLE SPEAKING LOW) – ESTABLISH AND UNDER.
SOUND: FRENCH ACCORDIAN MUSIC – UNDER
REGINA: (SCARED) Mr. Bartholomew: what is all this about?
BARTHOLOMEW: (TALKING IN A SLOW CONFIDENTIAL TONE) In nineteen fourty-four, five members of the O.S.S.- the military espionage unit – were ordered behind German lines for the purpose of delivering two hundred and fifty thousand dollars in gold to the French underground. The five men were, of course, your husband Charles; the three men who showed up at his funeral yesterday; and Carson Dyle.
REGINA: Oh.
BARTHOLOMEW: Instead of delivering the gold, they stole it.
REGINA: How?
BARTHOLOMEW By burying it then reporting that the Germans had captured it. All they had to do was come back after the war, dig it up, split it five ways. Quarter of a million dollars with no questions asked.
REGINA: May I have a cigarette, please?
SOUND: SOFT TEARING NOISE AS FILTER REMOVED FROM CIGARRETTE – LET IT FINISH
BARTHOLOMEW: You tore the filter off?
REGINA: I can’t stand those things; it’s like drinking coffee through a veil.
SOUND: CIGARETTE LIGHTER – LET IT FINISH
REGINA: (DRAWS IN AND BREATHES OUT)
BARTHOLOMEW: Everything went smoothly enough until after the gold was buried. Then, before they could get out they were ambushed by a German patrol. A machine gun separated Scobie from his right hand, caught Carson Dyle full in the stomach.
REGINA: May I have another cigarette?
BARTHOLOMEW: What was wrong with that one?
REGINA: Nothing, I guess. What happened then?
BARTHOLOMEW: Have you any idea what these things cost over here?
REGINA: Please go on, Mr. Bartholomew: what happened then?
BARTHOLOMEW: Carson Dyle was dead but Scobie was able to travel, so…
WAITER: Pardon. La soupe, c’est pour qui?
REGINA: (TO THE WAITER) Pour moi.
SOUND: CLATTER OF CUTTLERY ETC. AS SOUP IS DELIVERED – LET IT FINISH.
BARTHOLOMEW. Where was I?
REGINA: Carson Dyle was dead.
BARTHOLOMEW: Yes, Carson Dyle was dead. The others finally got back to the base and waited for the war to end, only Charles couldn’t wait quite as long as the others. He beat them back to the gold, took everything for himself, and disappeared. It’s taken Gideon, Tex and Scobie all this time to catch up with him again.
REGINA: (DISTRESSED) But if they stole all that money, why can’t you arrest them?

In the second (actual) version of the script, the speech is broken up by interruptions of various kinds. The interruptions turn it into a series of short speeches and make it easier to listen to (by giving the audience a rest from the exposition) and easier for an actor to speak.

Avoid a succession of loose sentences joined by conjunctions (childish speech)

Unless actually writing dialog for a child (and even then, it can feel exaggerated and unrealistic) avoid connecting clause after clause with conjunctions.

The following is flawed

TIMMY: And Roger fell down the well and he was yelling and yelling but Mikey got scared and wanted to run away and the more scared Mikey got, the more scared the rest of us got too, and we could hear Roger splashing, trying to stay afloat but he was getting weaker so we ran to get help and I hope he’s not dead and can you please come to the well and get him out.

But the repetitive monotony of the following is worse still

JAMES: Roger fell down the well and he was yelling for help. Mikey got scared and the other children became frightened. The children became more frightened while Roger grew tired of trying to stay afloat. The children ran for help but many of them thought it might be too late. The adults were asked to rescue Roger but the children thought Roger might be dead.

Express co-ordinate ideas in similar form (write according to the same pattern in the second idea as the first)

This is an easy error to make and quite difficult to catch. Reading the text aloud often reveals the lack of symmetry. Generally, we just feel that something isn’t quite right.

BOB: In the past, science was taught by the textbook method, while now the laboratory method is used.

Rewritten so that the pattern of expression in the two clauses matches we get…

BOB: In the past, science was taught by the textbook method, while now it is taught by the laboratory method.

Rather than splitting the subject and principal verb of a clause, it is better to keep related words together. Of course, this doesn’t apply when the writer is attempting to build suspense or a relative clause is being used.

Avoid

JENNY: The iron, when mixed with an appropriate amount of carbon, makes steel. For generations, in the manufacture of our swords, we’ve been employing this steel.

When you could say

JENNY: The iron makes steel when mixed with an appropriate amount of carbon. For generations we’ve been employing this steel in the manufacture of our swords.

Place the emphatic words of a sentence at the end

We have noted that a speaker responds to the final word delivered in dialog by their conversation partner. Likewise, we have noted that afterthoughts tend to weaken sentences. For both these reasons, it is important when writing dialog to make the last word of every speech count.

JENNY: Our steel is principally used for making swords, because of its hardness.

The above line invites the next speaker to respond to the word hardness. But it is more likely that our characters want to talk about swords and forces the conversation to pursue a different track before being brought back around to the point. The presentation of “because of its hardness” as an afterthought also weakens the sentence.

Compare it to

JENNY: Because of its hardness, our steel is principally used for making swords.

Let’s conclude our discussion of sentence style with three more pieces of advice about common issues.

Avoid connecting complete sentences with commas.

This is a surprisingly easy mistake to make. The difference is subtle, but quite significant.

BOB: Then came the jokes, some of them were very amusing, while some others failed to raise a laugh.

Bob’s speech contains two sentences.

Then came the jokes.

Some of them were very amusing, while some others failed to raise a laugh.

One way to fix the issue would be to simply correct the punctuation (adding the full stop/period between “jokes” and “some”). Another option is a grammatical fix; turning the second sentence into a pair of dependent clauses…

BOB: Then came the jokes, some very amusing, others failing to raise a laugh.

Watch out for ambiguous pronouns

Sometimes our writing is ambiguous because we have been unclear about what our pronouns refer to.

Here is an ambiguous line.

SALLY: Several members of my family have died of cancer and I didn’t know if it was hereditary so I decided to find out.

Does the pronoun “it” refer to “cancer” or “death”? Obviously, cancer is more likely, but the sentence remains a little unclear. The following expresses the idea more effectively by clarifying what the pronoun refers to.

SALLY: I decided to find out if cancer was hereditary because several members of my family have died from it.

The rules are actually guidelines

Every one of these guidelines can be deliberately jettisoned for a variety of good reasons. Dialog is often messy. People don’t talk in neat grammatically correct forms. Sometimes, effective characterization requires the imitation of grammatically incorrect forms of speech. That said, dialog is not a direct imitation of real life. Rather, it is a stylised, more efficient, and focused form of expression, where every word is calculated for its contribution to the advancement of the story. As such, with allowances made for the needs of characterisation, the writer of audio drama is still looking for the best way to communicate dialog. And the rules of grammar, style and expression, when applied well, provide just the tools and clarity we need.

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